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Many teenagers now have their own smartphones. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your opinion. v.1

Many teenagers now have their own smartphones. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your opinion. v. 1
Almost all teenagers today have their personal smartphones and electronic devices. While mobile phones enhance the general knowledge of many growing children, I believe that the overuse of personal smartphones is making today's youngsters more obese. The main advantage of having a smartphone is the level of information that school-going children can gain to help them with their studies. No doubt that the education system today has advanced, so in order to compete with other students, children require a potential source and smartphones can get access to any topic that schoolers require the most. For instance, the United States conducted a survey to find the concealed impacts of using smartphones on students, wherein researchers estimated that 75% of the time smartphones have provided help to the students, who specifically needed extra information with schoolwork. Despite this, I believe that this encourages children to adopt a sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to poor health. Playing games for extended periods of time with no or little exercise can result in weight gain among teenagers. Sitting in the same posture for longer periods of time with no exercise can cause many health issues among today's young generation, such as obesity, high blood pressure and heart diseases. It is estimated that today's children are 30% more likely to gain weight as compared to the kids 30 years ago because they were physically active. I believe that offspring should be encouraged to do some physical exercises because it will result in a healthier future of today's youngsters with minor health issues. In conclusion, smartphones are very helpful for the children who are studying, but it is negatively affecting the health of the young generation because there is no physical exercise involve when kids use their cellphones.
Almost all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have their personal smartphones and electronic devices. While mobile phones enhance the general knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I believe that the overuse of personal smartphones is making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today's
youngsters more obese.

The main advantage of having a smartphone is the level of information that school-going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can gain to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with their studies. No doubt that the education system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
has advanced,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in order to compete with other students,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
require a potential source and smartphones can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
access to any topic that schoolers require the most.
For instance
, the United States conducted a survey to find the concealed impacts of using smartphones on students, wherein researchers estimated that 75% of the time smartphones have provided
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the students, who
specifically
needed extra information with schoolwork. Despite this, I believe that this encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to adopt a sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to poor health.

Playing games for extended periods of time with
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
can result in weight gain among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. Sitting in the same posture for longer periods of time with no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today's
young generation, such as obesity, high blood pressure and heart diseases. It
is estimated
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are 30% more likely to gain weight as compared to the kids 30 years ago
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were
physically
active. I believe that offspring should
be encouraged
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will result in a healthier future of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today's
youngsters with minor health issues.

In conclusion
, smartphones are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are studying,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
negatively
affecting the health of the young generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
involve when kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their cellphones.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Many teenagers now have their own smartphones. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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