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Many students take part-time jobs while studying in the universities. Is this a bad or good idea? v.1

Many students take part-time jobs while studying in the universities. Is this a bad or good idea? v. 1
More and more pupils are doing part-time jobs while pursuing tertiary education. I believe it's as good thought, for it will help them to fulfil their basic needs and take account of repaying their education credit. One of the main rationales behind graduates working part-time while studying is to satisfy their fundamental necessities. Generally, people who move from their homeland to other countries for educational purposes have intent to task during their free times. This is mainly due to the fact that their day-to-day expenses like food, accommodation, transport and shelter etc. Have to be managed. Consequently, they become independent, leading to a positive development of taking care of their underlying requirements on their own. For example, in countries like the USA and Canada, many students do part-time industry in gas stations to compensate for their daily expenses. Thus, it is a constructive idea for learners who opt for freelancer jobs while they do their higher studies in universities. Another reason is that students take control to pay back their educational creditors. These days, individuals want to support themselves financially rather than depending on parents. As a result, their production strenuously after university hours in restaurants, bars etc to get paid with a good amount of money. By the time they complete their bachelors or masters degree, half of their educational investment is compensated, leaving only the other half to be paid which will be done after they land into a full-time job. Being this way, help them to take up ownership on other critical challenges when they face them. In India, for instance, students take an educational allowance of 15 lakh for a year course to abroad countries and finish 8 lakh by the end of their academics through free-time jobs. Hence, it is pivotal for scholars to struggle post-college hours to close their educational debt. To conclude, in my opinion, it is a fruitful idea for graduates do part-time jobs while doing their higher studies mainly to fulfil their fundamental necessities and take account of their higher study expenses.
More and more pupils are doing part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while pursuing tertiary education. I believe it's as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, for it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to fulfil their basic needs and take account of repaying their education credit.

One of the main rationales behind graduates working part-time while studying is to satisfy their fundamental necessities.
Generally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from their homeland to other countries for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
purposes have intent to task during their free times. This is
mainly
due to the fact that their day-to-day expenses like food, accommodation, transport and shelter etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Have to
be managed
.
Consequently
, they become independent, leading to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development of taking care of their underlying requirements on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
For example
, in countries like the USA and Canada,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students do part-time industry in gas stations to compensate for their daily expenses.
Thus
, it is a constructive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for learners who opt for freelancer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while they do their higher studies in universities.

Another reason is that students take control to pay back their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
creditors. These days, individuals want to support themselves
financially
rather
than depending on parents.
As a result
, their production
strenuously
after university hours in restaurants, bars etc to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of money. By the time they complete their bachelors or
For an academic degree, use "master’s".
masters
degree, half of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
investment
is compensated
, leaving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the other half to
be paid
which will
be done
after they land into a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Being this way,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to take up ownership on other critical challenges when they face them. In India,
for instance
, students take an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
allowance of 15
Possible agreement error. The noun 'lakh' seems to be countable, so consider using: "lakhs".
lakh
for a year course to abroad countries and finish 8
Possible agreement error. The noun 'lakh' seems to be countable, so consider using: "lakhs".
lakh
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their academics through free-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Hence
, it is pivotal for scholars to struggle post-college hours to close their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
debt.

To conclude
, in my opinion, it is a fruitful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for graduates do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while doing their higher studies
mainly
to fulfil their fundamental necessities and take account of their higher study expenses.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many students take part-time jobs while studying in the universities. Is this a bad or good idea? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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