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Many students find it difficult to learn subjects like mathematics and philosophy and hence they should be optional in schools. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Many students find it difficult to learn subjects like mathematics and philosophy and hence they should be optional in schools. v. 1
There is no denying the fact that subjects like mathematics and philosophy are difficult for many students. This, however, does not mean that they should be made optional. Children need to master at least the basic concepts of these subjects to be able to get on with their lives. Not all students want to be engineers or bank managers. They don’t have to be either but they should still be able to do addition and subtraction. They should understand the concepts of multiplication and division. If they lack these skills, they will find it difficult to manage their everyday life. Mathematics plays a very important role in our life. Children will not remain children for life. The will become adults a few years down the lane and then they have to manage their finances. Students who didn’t study mathematics at school will not be able to take care of their finances. The fact that they don’t have even basic math skills will also affect their employability. No employer will hire someone who can’t even solve simple sums. The same is true in the case of philosophy as well. It is not a subject that many students can digest. However, it offers a better perspective on life and helps us to cope with the ups and downs of life. The existing education system allows students to choose subjects of their preference when they start university education. In my opinion, children should be taught all subjects at the school level. They can choose subjects of their preference when they go for higher education. To conclude, I strongly disagree with the view that subjects like mathematics and philosophy should be made optional because such a decision will do students more harm than good.
There is no denying the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like mathematics and philosophy are difficult for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This,
however
, does not mean that they should
be made
optional.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
need to master at least the basic concepts of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
on with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want to be engineers or bank managers. They don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be either
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should
still
be able to do addition and subtraction. They should understand the concepts of multiplication and division. If they lack these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they will find it difficult to manage their everyday life.

Mathematics plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will not remain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for life.
Did you mean "they", "that" or "there"?
The
will become adults a few years down the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lane and
then they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage their finances.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
who didn’t study mathematics at school will not be able to take care of their finances. The fact that they don’t have even basic math
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will
also
affect their employability. No employer will hire someone who can’t even solve simple sums.

The same is true in the case of philosophy
as well
. It is not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can digest.
However
, it offers a better perspective on life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to cope with the ups and downs of life.

The existing education system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
of their preference when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
university education. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at the school level. They can choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
of their preference when they go for higher education.

To conclude
, I
strongly
disagree with the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like mathematics and philosophy should
be made
optional
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such a decision will do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Many students find it difficult to learn subjects like mathematics and philosophy and hence they should be optional in schools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
290 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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