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Many people think that money brings happiness, but others think that having too much money is a problem. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Many people think that money brings happiness, but others think that having too much money is a problem. v. 1
Money is important to live qualify life but not everything in life. Therefore, people believe that money plays an important role to be happier. However, there is also an opinion also that filth wealth spoils the life. I certainly believe that money bring some happiness in one’s life and i shall explain why it is so. People who believe that money spoils the life have some valid arguments. First and foremost, too much wealth generates unwanted hobbies. It is commonly seen that rich people do not find place to spend the money and sometimes incline towards the unrealistic hobbies or goal which lead them to deterioration in life. Secondly, abundant money also turns people to become reckless and sometimes it cost their life also. For example, Brazil prime minister who belongs to rich family, helped rich people to get government contract and was later imprisoned for life. Finally, possessing wealth in some country gives the feeling that everything can be bought including the laws of country. As a result, people get trapped in laws and severe punishment. Despite of dis-benefits of having too much money, people follow the money for following reasons. The main reason is that all necessities can only be fulfilled only by money. As such people have different parameters to measure happiness but common standard that everyone agrees is fulfillment of bare minimum things in life. Moreover, quality life, medical facilities and good education makes people happy up-to some extent. In addition to this, everyone loves to go outside, visit different places, wear good cloths, eat tasty foods etc. and in order to do this, money is required. To conclude, although happiness can be achieved in different manner, the most common way to achieve this is to live the life fullest and for that money is required to go out, visit places, eat at restaurant etc. Nevertheless too much money may bring arrogance, recklessness and other bad hobbies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
qualify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not everything in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to be happier.
However
, there is
also
an opinion
also
that filth wealth spoils the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I
certainly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
happiness in one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
Did you mean "I"?
i
shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spoils the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valid arguments.
First
and foremost, too much wealth generates unwanted hobbies. It is
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not find place to spend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
incline towards the unrealistic hobbies or goal which lead them to deterioration in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Secondly
, abundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
also
turns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become reckless and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it cost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
also
.
For example
, Brazil prime minister who belongs to rich family,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
contract and was later imprisoned for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Finally
, possessing wealth in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
country gives the feeling that everything can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
including the laws of country.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
trapped in laws and severe punishment.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
dis-benefits of having too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for following reasons. The main reason is that all necessities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be fulfilled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. As such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parameters to measure happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
common standard that everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
is fulfillment of bare minimum things in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Moreover
, quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, medical facilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy up-to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
In addition
to this, everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
to go outside, visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places, wear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
cloths, eat tasty foods etc. and in order to do this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is required
.

To conclude
, although happiness can
be achieved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
manner, the most common way to achieve this is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
fullest and for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is required
to go out, visit places, eat at restaurant etc.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may bring arrogance, recklessness and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
hobbies.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that money brings happiness, but others think that having too much money is a problem. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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