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Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.2

Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. v. 2
The source of happiness is a highly debatable topic among the scholars. Some philosophers consider that, the inner peace is dependent on the person’s psyche. However, the others opine that some external factors would have a great influence on the elated people. This essay will discuss both the views of the above notion along with my opinion further. To begin with, the former view representing the unique characteristic of the joy of a layman. The joyfulness of a person predominantly depends on his nature and mental stability in the ups and down situations. Thus, the prime source of a positivity is an individual priority and his reactions to the different situations. For instance, although, the celebrities have all the fortune, many of them had committed suicide in the past due to the influence of the saviour depression. Therefore, the happiness is mainly depended on the psyche of the person, as well as the cause of it will fluctuate within the fraternity. On the other hand, the latter view emphasis on some key factors, which influence the joy of the people. In the past, people were more attached to their families and friends, as a result, their social and cultural bonding with the society had defined their joy and pleasure. Moreover, in this materialistic era, the people are searching their happiness in their gadgets and wealth. Consequently, many intellectuals defining their health as a rudimentary key to experience a joy. For example, the survey conducted by the psychologist had revealed that, in the developed countries the health was an essential key, whereas in developing countries the wealth was an important for the elated people. Thus, few factors also affect the feeling of cheerfulness of the people. In conclusion, it is indeed that, the state of happiness is not only depends on the psychology of a person, but also relies on some external factors. In my opinion, the inner peace of the person is more dominant on his mind; also some external factors will have nominal impact on it.
The source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a
highly
debatable topic among the scholars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
philosophers consider that, the inner peace is dependent on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
psyche.
However
, the others opine that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
would have a great influence on the elated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This essay will discuss both the views of the above notion along with my opinion
further
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the former view representing the unique characteristic of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joy
of a layman. The joyfulness of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
predominantly
depends on his nature and mental stability in the ups and down situations.
Thus
, the prime source of a positivity is an individual priority and his reactions to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations.
For instance
, although, the celebrities have all the fortune,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them had committed suicide in the past due to the influence of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
saviour
depression.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
mainly
depended on the psyche of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
as well
as the cause of it will fluctuate within the fraternity.

On the other hand
, the latter view emphasis on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
key
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, which influence the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joy
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were more attached to their families and friends,
as a result
, their social and cultural bonding with the society had defined their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joy
and pleasure.
Moreover
, in this materialistic era, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are searching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their gadgets and wealth.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
intellectuals defining their health as a rudimentary key to experience a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
joy
.
For example
, the survey conducted by the psychologist had revealed that, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
the health was an essential key, whereas in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
the wealth was an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the elated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
also
affect the feeling of cheerfulness of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, it is
indeed
that, the state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depends on the psychology of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
relies on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
. In my opinion, the inner peace of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is more dominant on his mind;
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
will have nominal impact on it.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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