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Many people think happiness relies upon the responsibility of individuals, others think that is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience. v.1

Many people think happiness relies upon the responsibility of individuals, others think that is affected by other factors. v. 1
It is arguable that the happiness depends on the person or it depends on the other factors. some believes it depends on the person. In my opinion, it is solely depends on that persons action not the other factors. On one hand person can state happiness relies on the person. As an example, a person can say eating his favourite food makes them happy or travelling to the places he love makes him feel happy. Moreover listening to a favourite song or achieving their life goals make them feel happiness and I believe it is true that doing what they like can effect their psychological state. In my personal experience, I like to play computer games and it makes me happy, so that it' s my actions caused me to be happy. On the other hand people will say that happiness not only depends on the individual but also other factors like surrounding environment. As an example, children likes to get gifts from their parents so that their parents are the second factor that makes them happy. Mostly elderly people likes to visit less crowded parks or greener forests because they love to be in a silent environment because of that silent environment or park becomes the other factor. But to full fill the second factor one must take action. In conclusion, its is hard to define how a person feel happy. In my opinion, I believe that the happiness is not depends on the other factors but the individuals actions because at the end it is that individuals action cause him to be happy.
It is arguable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
or it depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
believes it depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. In my opinion, it is
solely
depends on that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
action
not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors.

On one hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
relies on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. As an example, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can say eating his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
or travelling to the places he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "loves", "loved".
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
him feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
listening to a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
song or achieving their life goals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and I believe it is true that doing what they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
like
can effect their psychological state. In my personal experience, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
like
to play computer games and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s my actions caused me to be happy.

On the
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other
hand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depends on the individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
like
surrounding environment. As an example, children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
likes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
gifts from their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their parents are the second
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factor
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Mostly
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
likes
to visit less crowded parks or greener forests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to be in a silent environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that silent environment or park becomes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
to full fill the second
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factor
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take action.

In conclusion
, its is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to define how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. In my opinion, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is not depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the individuals actions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
it is that individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
action
cause him to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Many people think happiness relies upon the responsibility of individuals, others think that is affected by other factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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