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Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.1

Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. v. 1
People have differing views about whether happiness comes from their minds or affected by external factors. Although it can be argued that happiness depends upon other factors, I am of the opinion that the state of mind plays a crucial role in making a person happy. On the one side of the discussion, there are people who believe that outside factors significantly affect their bliss. According to these people, happiness is when they have been fulfilled all their expectations about life standard. This claim is held because group supporters seem like putting external factors such as well-paid jobs, beautiful houses, luxury cars, and so on first. As a result, they may feel satisfied whenever they achieve one of those things that they have always dreamt about. Another outside factor which is proved by scientists that can affect people happiness is the environment. For example, in Bhutan, due to the low rate of pollution especially air pollution, citizens there are well-known as having the happiest life on Earth. On the other side, from my personal perspective, I strongly advocate that the true happiness derives from inside factors. To begin with, the fulfillment in the mind which places deeply inside our soul is the root of joyfulness. The justification for this view is that our emotions are under the control of our state of mind and heart. Therefore, once people feel happy at heart, even a pretty little thing such as a hug could give them great pleasure. Secondly, happiness can be established by a positive mind and a peaceful soul. Recently, in order to escape from the stressful life, people are looking for some method that could help them improve their mental health. Meditation, yoga and self-help book are some worth exemplars mentioning. In conclusion, for all reasons that I mentioned above, it is my view that inner satisfaction brings people true happiness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have differing views about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
. Although it can
be argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends upon other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, I am of the opinion that the state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
plays a crucial role in making a person happy.

On the one side of the discussion, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe that outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
significantly
affect their bliss. According to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is when they have
been fulfilled
all their expectations about life standard. This claim
is held
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
group supporters seem like putting external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such
as well
-paid jobs,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, luxury cars, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on
first
.
As a result
, they may feel satisfied whenever they achieve one of those things that they have always dreamt about. Another outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
which
is proved
by scientists that can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is the environment.
For example
, in Bhutan, due to the low rate of pollution
especially
air pollution, citizens there are well-known as having the happiest life on Earth.

On the other side, from my personal perspective, I
strongly
advocate that the true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
derives from inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the fulfillment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
which places
deeply
inside our soul is the root of joyfulness. The justification for this view is that our emotions are under the control of our state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
and heart.
Therefore
, once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel happy at heart, even a pretty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
thing such as a hug could give them great pleasure.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can
be established
by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
and a peaceful soul. Recently, in order to escape from the stressful life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are looking for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
method that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their mental health. Meditation, yoga and self-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
book are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
worth exemplars mentioning.

In conclusion
, for all reasons that I mentioned above, it is my view that inner satisfaction brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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