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Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience. v.2

Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 2
Most people argue that economic success is the most important factor in getting personal happiness. While I accept that argument, I believe that many factors which make someone happy. Many people say that direct factor of personal happiness is financial success because of many reasons. Firstly, people can buy everything they need and they want when they success in gaining their own money. For example, they want to buy a lot of gadgets, they can buy them because they get what they want by money they have. Secondly, people experience that people who reach success in economy have high social status. Other people give more respect to rich people. Being respected by societies makes successful people happier than poor people. Therefore, some people say that economic success has a direct effect of happiness because of reasons mentioned above. On the contrary, other people believe that there are other factors which influence people to be happy. First factor is a physical condition. People feel happy when they are healthy. They say that nothing is useful when they get sick because unwell body is the worst condition. For example, they cannot eat the most delicious meals in the world when they get so many ulcers in their mouth. Second factor is a psychological condition. For instance, people cannot feel the happiness of getting lottery when they are in mental sickness, such as delusion or hallucination. They will feel suffered because the voice in the hallucination says that they will be murdered. To sum up, most people feel happy when their success in the economy. However, people will be happier than others when they succeed, not only financially but also physically and mentally.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that economic
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success
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
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factor
in getting personal
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happiness
. While I accept that argument, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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factors
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
someone happy.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
say that direct
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factor
of personal
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happiness
is financial
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success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
Firstly
,
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people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
need and
they want when they
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success
in gaining their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
money.
For example
, they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
gadgets, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they want by money they have.
Secondly
,
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people
experience that
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people
who reach
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success
in economy have high social status.
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Other
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people
give more respect to rich
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people
.
Being respected
by societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
successful
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people
happier than poor
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people
.
Therefore
,
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some
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people
say that economic
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success
has a direct effect of
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happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of reasons mentioned above.

On the contrary
,
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other
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people
believe that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
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factors
which influence
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people
to be happy.
First
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factor
is a physical condition.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
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feel
happy when they are healthy. They say that nothing is useful when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
unwell body is the worst condition.
For example
, they cannot eat the most delicious meals in the world when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ulcers in their mouth. Second
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factor
is a psychological condition.
For instance
,
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people
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of getting lottery when they are in mental sickness, such as delusion or hallucination. They will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
suffered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the voice in the hallucination says that they will
be murdered
.

To sum up, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
happy when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in the economy.
However
,
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people
will be happier than others when they succeed, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
financially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
physically
and mentally.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals, others think that it is affected by other factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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