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42. Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at least 7 years old. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

42. Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at least 7 years old. v. 1
It is still controversial that at what age, children should start to receive formal education. Some people suggest that early year education will be advocated; while, others support that formal education should be started no younger than 7 years old. The essay will discuss both views and my personal opinion that I opine the latter. To begin with, people advocate that early year education will benefit children because children's mind are innocent, like a piece of blank paper and it is easy to teach them,  shape their  attitudes and nurture better habits for their future lives. Moreover, early year education may benefit children's brain development and enhance their cognitive performance as well because their brains remain in the process of growing.  Some researches indicate that children who enrolled in kindergartens and received a formal early year education did better in their later career paths. On the other hand, some inhabitants advocate that formal education should be carried out when children are 7 years old or older because this kind of education require children's cooperation and commitment. Only children older than 7 years have developed capacity to follow commands and self-control during classes. Besides, formal education may make students feel restricted, which may discourage students' interests in learning. For younger children, it is tough for them to sit still for 45 minutes to listen teachers' lecturing. Therefore, going to school after 7 years old will benefit more children. In conclusion, I personally support that children may benefit more if they enrol in school at an older age like older than 7 years old due to the above reasons. In addition, early year childhood is the most precious period for children enjoying their time happily and growing freely. School education for children who are 7 years old or older may contribute to their better development in their further academic education and future careers
It is
still
controversial that at what age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that
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early
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year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
be advocated
; while, others support that
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formal
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education
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
no younger than 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. The essay will discuss both views and my personal opinion that I opine the latter.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that
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early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children's mind are innocent, like a piece of blank paper and it is easy to teach them,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
shape their
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
attitudes and nurture better habits for their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
,
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early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
may benefit children's brain development and enhance their cognitive performance
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their brains remain in the process of growing.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who enrolled in kindergartens and received a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
did better in their later career paths.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
inhabitants advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should
be carried
out when children are 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or
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older
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of
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education
require children's cooperation and commitment.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
than 7 years have developed capacity to follow commands and self-control during classes.
Besides
,
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formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
students feel restricted, which may discourage students' interests in learning. For younger
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children
, it is tough for them to sit
still
for 45 minutes to listen teachers' lecturing.
Therefore
, going to school after 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
will benefit more children.

In conclusion
, I
personally
support that
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children
may benefit more if they enrol in school at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
age like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
than 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
due to the above reasons.
In addition
,
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early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
childhood is the most precious period for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
enjoying their time
happily
and growing
freely
. School
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or
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older
may contribute to their better development in their
further
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and future
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
careers
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay 42. Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at least 7 years old. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • 42. Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at least 7 years old. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1