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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle others believe that governments should take care of it Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle others believe that governments should take care of it 1
Nowadays, many people hold the view that career development is more important due to the fierce competition in the modern society. At the same time, there are people who opine that those who live in the fast-paced life should slow down and spend more time with family and friends. In this essay, I will examine both sides of the debate before arriving at a conclusion. To begin with, there is no doubt that career development contributes to the improvement of people’s living standard and sense of fulfilment. It is possible to say that a person who tends to devote more time on his/her job pursues more financial return. The main reason for this is that financial security has now become extremely vital to a family—a household not only has to bear the daily expenses that are continuously rising, but also pay the exorbitant tuition fee of its children. In addition, a prestigious job brings an individual a sense of fulfilment including fame and higher social status. However, others have the opinion that it is necessary for people to dedicate more time to their friends and family, since the fast pace of life somehow leads to the disintegration of families and relationships. For example, parents who pursue money and career are more likely to neglect their children and the elders in their family; college graduates who seek better job opportunity choose to migrate to metropolises that are far away from their home. To summarize, there is no easy answer to this debate. On balance, however, we have to admit that both career and family play a significant role in our lives. Hence, it is important for us to balance these two aspects in order to make our life happier.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
due to the fierce competition in the modern society. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
opine that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced life should slow down and spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends. In this essay, I will examine both sides of the debate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
arriving at a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development contributes to the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
living standard and sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
. It is possible to say that a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
tends to devote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on his/her job pursues more financial return. The main reason for this is that financial security has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become
extremely
vital to a family—a household not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
bear the daily expenses that are
continuously
rising,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
pay the exorbitant tuition fee of its children.
In addition
, a prestigious job brings an individual a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
including fame and higher social status.

However
, others have the opinion that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to dedicate more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, since the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace of life somehow leads to the disintegration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and relationships.
For example
, parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
pursue money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
are more likely to neglect their children and the elders in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
; college graduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
seek better job opportunity choose to migrate to metropolises that are far away from their home.

To summarize
, there is no easy answer to this debate. On balance,
however
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
play a significant role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to balance these two aspects in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our life happier.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle others believe that governments should take care of it 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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