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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 1
In the name of success, people are always striving towards a better life and wealthy bank accounts, but they do not consider how happy they are in the current moment. In my opinion, I think that a person’s happiness will always be according to his actions rather than throwing it on all other external factors. To begin with, the humans who think their happiness is always dependent on the otherworldly factors, can never be happy in their soul. This is because, they are constantly trying to find reasons for not being cheerful rather cherishing that moment, as they get bogged down for small things that go wrong in their activity. For example, if a particular planned work is not completed appropriately, they will instantly be corrosive and completely stuck, rather than thinking how can they achieve it. On the other side, they are the positive thinkers who are always happy for small things, that happen in their lives. This is because, they get organized if anything goes in unplanned direction, they find unique ways to be happy. One's actions and their decisions are only responsible for their happiness. They have to clearly understand what makes them happy and what doesn’t. For example, from a research conducted this year, it is proven that the positive minded person is happier than their contrary. The reason is, they always try understand what clearly makes them happy and what doesn’t. At the same time, they never overburden themselves, they work according to their limitations. In conclusion, I think that a person joyfulness will always lie in their actions, as they are solely responsible for all the decisions they make in their life.
In the name of success,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are always striving towards a better life and wealthy bank accounts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not consider how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
they are in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
moment. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a person’s happiness will always be according to his actions
rather
than throwing it on all other external factors.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the humans who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
their happiness is always dependent

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the
otherworldly
factors, can never be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in their soul. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they are
constantly
trying to find reasons for not being cheerful
rather
cherishing that moment, as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bogged down for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
things that go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
in their activity.
For example
, if a particular planned work is not completed
appropriately
, they will
instantly
be corrosive and completely stuck,
rather
than thinking how can they achieve it.

On the other side, they are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thinkers who are always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
things, that happen in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
organized if anything goes in unplanned direction, they find unique ways to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. One's actions and their decisions are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
responsible for their happiness. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
clearly
understand what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and what doesn’t.
For example
, from
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted this year, it
is proven
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
minded person is happier than their contrary. The reason is, they always
Probably a preposition is missing after 'try'.
try understand
what
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and what doesn’t. At the same time, they never overburden themselves, they work according to their limitations.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a person joyfulness will always lie in their actions, as they are
solely
responsible for all the decisions they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
in their life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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