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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.4

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 4
In the modern world, many individuals are willing to be a fortunate person. In this regard, although some people believe that happiness is a state of mind, others feel that external factors can influence on people. Personally, I reckon that if each individual satisfy with his/her well-being and health, they can reach a sense of fulfilment. To begin with, many individuals believe that reaching blessedness is impossible without satisfaction. In this reason, in many cases, people’s fortunate depends on many external factors, such as absence of economic hardship in the country. That is to say, citizens of wealthy countries can reach happiness, because they can realize their potential. A good illustration of this is Scandinavian countries. According to the World Happiness Report in 2018, the most happiest individuals on the planet live in this region. On the other hand, blessedness is considered to be the sole responsibility of an individual with many. This is because, every person should have the ability to take control of their emotions. In other words, they should not be stressed and disappointed, when they meet obstacles and challenges. Otherwise, they can earn some diseases, and reaching happiness is an arduous task for sick people. For instance, many people believe that they are lucky, because they have a good health. In conclusion, although many individuals believe that fortunate is a state of mind, and each person is responsible for one’s blessedness, others feel that external factors can influence on people. Personally, I reckon that the last option has a significant impact on people, and Scandinavian countries can be proofed for it.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are willing to be a fortunate person. In this regard, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a state of mind, others feel that external factors can influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Personally
, I reckon that if each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
satisfy with his/her well-being and health, they can reach a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that reaching blessedness is impossible without satisfaction. In this reason, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
fortunate depends on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
external factors, such as absence of economic hardship in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
That is
to say, citizens of wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can reach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can realize their potential. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is Scandinavian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. According to the World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
Report in 2018, the
Use only "happiest" (without 'most') when you use the superlative.
most happiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
on the planet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in this region.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, blessedness
is considered
to be the sole responsibility of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, every person should have the ability to take control of their emotions. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and disappointed, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
obstacles and challenges.
Otherwise
, they can earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases, and reaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is an arduous task for sick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that they are lucky,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that fortunate is a state of mind, and each person is responsible for one’s blessedness, others feel that external factors can influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Personally
, I reckon that the last option has a significant impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and Scandinavian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can
be proofed
for it.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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