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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that are other external factors that influenced us. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that are other external factors that influenced us. v. 1
People have differing views about how to achieve happiness in life. While some people believe that it depends on themselves, others consider external factors for being happy. I think that both intrinsic and extrinsic factors lead to a feeling of bliss. On the one hand, for many people, the sense of happiness is derived from their attitude on life. They believe that having a positive outlook can relieve the pains of causes that they enjoy living in the hectic lifestyle. When individuals get pleasure from plenty of things such as playing, laughing, spending time with family and friends and so on, they can feel an inner satisfaction which is a kind of happiness. So, happiness depends on our intrinsic conditions. If one is not content with her or his current circumstances, they do not have to bear them and can change or improve them to be happy. On the other hand, other extrinsic factors make people feel happy which some basic preconditions to achieving happiness is. It is hard for a person to be happy if he or she does not have a safe place for living, enough food to eat and even a good income; these basic survival needs must be met before individuals can lead a pleasant life. There are many disadvantaged people, for example, suffer from a disease and cannot afford cure costs just because of not having enough money, so they do not feel happy. In conclusion, I believe that, however, our thinking way is a primitive factor for being happy, I admit that other external factors are overshadowed our happiness in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have differing views about how to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it depends on themselves, others consider external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both intrinsic and extrinsic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
lead to a feeling of bliss.

On the one hand, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is derived
from their attitude on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They believe that having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outlook can relieve the pains of causes that they enjoy living in the hectic lifestyle. When individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pleasure from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of things such as playing, laughing, spending time with family and friends and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, they can feel an inner satisfaction which is a kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on our intrinsic conditions. If one is not content with her or his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
circumstances, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bear them and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
them to be happy.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
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other
extrinsic
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factors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
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people
feel
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happy
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic preconditions to achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for a person to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
if he or she does not have a safe place for living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
food to eat and even a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
income; these basic survival needs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be met
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
individuals can lead a pleasant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
for example
, suffer from a disease and cannot afford cure costs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not feel happy.

In conclusion
, I believe that,
however
, our thinking way is a primitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, I admit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are overshadowed
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
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IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that are other external factors that influenced us. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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