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Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 2
Striving for happiness has always been one of the primary objectives of human beings. Some people believe that the ability to be happy depends on an individual themselves, while others say that several external influences may impede. I am of the opinion that outer factors play a vital role in people’s happiness. On the one hand, the achievement life satisfaction is clearly considered unattainable without an open mindset of a person. This means that a positive attitude as well as the ability to receive pleasure are supposed to be essential elements of happiness. Therefore, people who opt to establish low benchmarks and live to their standards may consider themselves satisfied with their lives. For example, the opulent are not always regarded as happy people owing to the individual requirements; and often exorbitant purchases do not entail happiness. In other words, people who crave for happiness ought to possess the right state of mind. On the other hand, I reckon that several externalities affect humans’ pursuit for wellbeing, namely the government and spontaneous health issues. Firstly, the authorities encroach upon one’s happiness by implementing unjust laws, which exacerbate the person’s life quality. Moreover, another uncontrolled factor is terminal illnesses that cast a shadow on of the most crucial property of people, their health. The above-mentioned phenomenon defy control and should be taken into consideration as the most damaging factors for happiness. To conclude, although I admit the role of a personal attitude, I strongly believe that external factors such as diseases and governmental interference must be dealt with in determining people’s happiness.
Striving for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
has always been one of the primary objectives of human beings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the ability to be happy depends on an individual themselves, while others say that several external influences may impede. I am of the opinion that outer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
play a vital role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
happiness.

On the one hand, the achievement life satisfaction is
clearly
considered unattainable without an open mindset of a person. This means that a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude
as well
as the ability to receive pleasure
are supposed
to be essential elements of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who opt to establish low benchmarks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
to their standards may consider themselves satisfied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, the opulent are not always regarded as happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
owing to the individual requirements; and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
exorbitant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
do not entail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who crave for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
ought to possess the right state of mind.

On the other hand
, I reckon that several externalities affect humans’ pursuit for
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
,
namely
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and spontaneous health issues.
Firstly
, the authorities encroach upon one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
by implementing unjust laws, which exacerbate the person’s life quality.
Moreover
, another uncontrolled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is terminal illnesses that cast a shadow
Did you mean "one"?
on
of the most crucial property of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, their health. The above-mentioned phenomenon defy control and should
be taken
into consideration as the most damaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
for happiness.

To conclude
, although I admit the role of a personal attitude, I
strongly
believe that external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as diseases and governmental interference
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be dealt
with in determining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe there are other external factors that influence us. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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