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Many people think it is important to protect the environment, but they make no effort on it themselves. Why is it so and what can be done about it? v.2

Many people think it is important to protect the environment, but they make no effort on it themselves. Why is it so and what can be done about it? v. 2
Few people think that prosperity, which belongs to abundance, position, honours or fame, can be achieved by hard work only while others think that prosperity in life is a matter of luck no matter how strong merit you have. This essay shall discuss that victory in the soul is not always earned rather it is a better stroke of life. Firstly, It is thought that intensive work is one and only way that brings a prosperity filled of fame, position and revenue. Though it is true that intensive work is the way that leads someone to become a leader, however it is not true all the time. People who participate and take advantage of right opportunity always get benefited even though they have less qualifications than other ones who are highly qualified but with a zero success rate. Hence; therefore, accomplishment can also be achieved by active participation at right place. Secondly, cash has less correlation with merit. Many people who are meritorious but unsuccessful; however, others who possess less merit are successful which shows that success is luck rather than hard work. In daily life most of the people earn fame even though they are unqualified persons than those who have good knowledge and expensive degrees. For example, Mr Khoso, a social media star, is an illiterate person, but it possesses tens of thousands of fans following over social media and YouTube that not only earns him good enough money but popularity as well. Finally, that's why hard work works sometimes, but luckily works all the time. In conclusion, it is obvious that to gain treasure, position and honours you need to work hard but not all the time. In some ways success depends on person's participation no matter he is qualified or unqualified.
Few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that prosperity, which belongs to abundance, position,
Possible spelling mistake. 'honours' is British English.
honours
or fame, can
be achieved
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that prosperity in life is a matter of luck no matter how strong merit you have. This essay shall discuss that victory in the soul is not always earned
rather
it is a better stroke of life.

Firstly
, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that intensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is one and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way that brings a prosperity filled of fame, position and revenue. Though it is true that intensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is the way that leads someone to become a leader,
however
it is not true all the time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
participate and take advantage of right opportunity always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefited
even though
they have
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun qualifications is countable.
less
qualifications than other ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
highly
qualified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with a zero success rate.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
;
therefore
, accomplishment can
also
be achieved
by active participation at right place.

Secondly
, cash has less correlation with merit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are meritorious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unsuccessful;
however
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
possess less merit are successful which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that success is luck
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In daily life most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn fame
even though
they
are unqualified
persons than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge and expensive degrees.
For example
, Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Khoso
, a social media star, is an illiterate person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it possesses tens of thousands of fans following over social media and YouTube that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
earns him
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
popularity
as well
.

Finally
, that's why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
works
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
luckily works all the time.
In conclusion
, it is obvious that to gain treasure, position and
Possible spelling mistake. 'honours' is British English.
honours
you need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not all the time. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "ways'" or "way's"?
ways
success depends on person's participation no matter he
is qualified
or unqualified.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think it is important to protect the environment, but they make no effort on it themselves. Why is it so and what can be done about it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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