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The two pie charts compare the percentages of British students at a teriary school in England who had ability to use variety of languages between 2000 and 2010. v.1

The two pie charts compare the percentages of British students at a teriary school in England who had ability to use variety of languages between 2000 and 2010. v. 1
Nowadays, advertisers are focusing more on their business products, but not on what people actually need. Moreover they are making money on unnecessary goods by the power of their company by attracting customers. This essay with portraits, how the companies are doing business on unwanted products. Firstly, the company’s advertisements shows that how well the electronic product will suit your home. Without any doubt the customer will make his/ her mind in such a manner that they should bring that product to their home. For example, a buyer who lives in a small house doesn’t need any big screen, LED tv, but when he watches the Ads in the television he will get attracted to it and will buy. This is happening in every house and becoming social status. The sales of the company are increasing drastically by giving EMI options and zero down payment. That’s why we can see a huge rush at the electronic malls. On the other hand, the products which we need actual will not be available on the television. The groceries which we are used regularly, that should be bought with our own knowledge. The things which we need are very economical and not expensive. Whereas it is quite opposite with the most attractive products like AC’s, Televisions, refrigerators, washing machines etc. , which is not much more important than the products we need. To put it in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that I agree, the advertising companies making money from the public with the products which are much commonly used in every house.
Nowadays, advertisers are focusing more on their business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not on what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
they are making money on unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
by the power of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
by attracting customers. This essay with portraits, how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are doing business on unwanted products.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
advertisements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that how well the electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
will suit your home. Without any doubt the customer will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his/ her mind in such a manner that they should bring that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
to their home.
For example
, a buyer who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
doesn’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
screen, LED
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
the Ads
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted to it and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
. This is happening in every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and becoming social status. The sales of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
are increasing
drastically
by giving EMI options and zero down payment. That’s why we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a huge rush at the electronic malls.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
actual will not be available on the television. The groceries which we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
regularly
, that should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
knowledge. The things which we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
economical and not expensive. Whereas it is quite opposite with the most attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
like AC’s, Televisions, refrigerators, washing machines etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which is not much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
we need.

To put it in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
, the advertising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
making money from the public with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which are much
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The two pie charts compare the percentages of British students at a teriary school in England who had ability to use variety of languages between 2000 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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