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Many people these days have computer, laptop, telephones at their home for work. do you think working from home more advantages or disadvantages? v.2

Many people these days have computer, laptop, telephones at their home for work. do you think working from home more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2
Many individuals have electronic devices, for instance, laptops, computers, and telephones in their residence for working purposes. I think, even though there are some disadvantages, however, working from home is more beneficial due to its positive effect on the traffic system and family life. Firstly, in an overpopulated country, it could be a blessing, if people have opportunities to do their jobs from home, because of extreme traffic, as a result, it takes a large amount of time to reach the office. Eventually, more people will create further problems in the traffic system. For example, if some employee chooses to do their work-related tasks with the help of laptops or computers at their apartment, there will be fewer cars resulting, lesser congestion. So this process has definitely a positive effect on traffic. Secondly, doing official work from home would be great as an increasing number of families have both working parents who left no time or short amount of time for their children. Consequently, there are high chances family members, especially children, could feel neglected. Moreover, this will have a negative impact on the familial relationship. For a clear example, if one parent could do his/her job online, he/she will more likely to have enough time to spend with family members. In addition, relationship bonding will get stronger. From the personal relationship aspect, this method work from home has greater benefits. In conclusion, myriad people have electronic communication devices in their home so that, they could do their work from home. I feel this process has a more positive impact than negative impact because it is helpful to the traffic system and it has a tremendous benefit on family life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals have electronic devices,
for instance
, laptops, computers, and telephones in their residence for working purposes. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages,
however
, working from home is more beneficial due to its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
system and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life.

Firstly
, in an overpopulated country, it could be a blessing, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have opportunities to do their jobs from home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
,
as a result
, it takes a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to reach the office.
Eventually
, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will create
further
problems in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
system.
For example
, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employee chooses to do their work-related tasks with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of laptops or computers at their apartment, there will be fewer cars resulting, lesser congestion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this process has definitely a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on traffic.

Secondly
, doing official work from home would be great as an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have both working parents who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or short amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their children.
Consequently
, there are high chances
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members,
especially
children, could feel neglected.
Moreover
, this will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the familial relationship. For a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, if one parent could do his/her job online, he/she will more likely to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
In addition
, relationship bonding will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
stronger. From the personal relationship aspect, this method work from home has greater benefits.

In conclusion
, myriad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have electronic communication devices in their home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, they could do their work from home. I feel this process has a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is helpful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
system and it has a tremendous benefit on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people these days have computer, laptop, telephones at their home for work. do you think working from home more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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