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Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems? v.2

Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems? v. 2
Being rich does not automatically mean that people would experience genuine happiness in the course of their lives. While some people opine that having an abundance of money and flashy things would translate to living a happy life, others are of the opinion that been gleeful is not a function of affluence. This essay will completely disagree with the notion that being affluent translate to living a lifetime of glee. On the one hand, living in abundance would mean that individuals can afford any form of luxury in which they choose to own. Wealth is often being used as a tool to blow one's trumpet and command desired social status. For example, wealthy people would often purchase flashy cars, use expensive wristwatches and wear flamboyant clothing for certain occasions just as way of commanding prestige and respect for themselves. Hence, it would be easy for bystanders to conclude that such people would definitely be living a happy life as they can boast of everything with which money can buy. Conversely, the feeling of genuine excitement in one's life does not entirely depend on wealth. People have often cited various factors such as having a stable career and astonishing physical and mental health status. For example, most people would be happier if they are of perfect health than to be extremely affluent but battling with incurable diseases. In addition, placing a lot of attention on material things could lead to living a disastrous life if tides turn and riches are depleted. Therefore, people would prefer to associate their happiness with other factors other than their financial status. In conclusion, this essay argued that true happiness does not lie in the weight of an individual's pocket. In my opinion, climbing the career rungs and finding purpose in one's life give greater guaranty for happiness.
Being rich does not
automatically
mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would experience genuine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in the course of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that having an abundance of money and flashy things would translate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, others are of the opinion that been gleeful is not a function of affluence. This essay will completely disagree with the notion that being affluent translate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a lifetime of glee.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in abundance would mean that individuals can afford any form of luxury in which they choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Wealth is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a tool to blow one's trumpet and command desired social status.
For example
, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
flashy cars,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
expensive wristwatches and wear flamboyant clothing for certain occasions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as way of commanding prestige and respect for themselves.
Hence
, it would be easy for bystanders
to conclude
that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would definitely be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as they can boast of everything with which money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.

Conversely
, the feeling of genuine excitement in one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
does not
entirely
depend on wealth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cited various factors such as having a stable career and astonishing physical and mental health status.
For example
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be happier if they are of perfect health than to be
extremely
affluent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
battling with incurable diseases.
In addition
, placing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
attention on material things could lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a disastrous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
if tides turn and riches
are depleted
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would prefer to associate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
with other factors other than their financial status.

In conclusion
, this essay argued that true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
does not lie in the weight of an individual's pocket. In my opinion, climbing the career rungs and finding purpose in one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
give greater guaranty for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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