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The charts give information about two genres of TV programmes watched by men and women and four different age groups in Australia v.1

The charts give information about two genres of TV programmes watched by men and women and four different age groups in Australia v. 1
Soccer world cup and events like the Olympics, unite the nations at least temporarily as long as people take the defeat in true sports man spirit and enjoy winning in a responsible fashion. Will patriotism pave way to violence in any circumstances on these occasions? On the one side, organising any international sporting event is a proud moment for any country. If conducted in a proper manner, benefits will be of many folds. Primarily, as the country wants to present itself internationally to create a grand impression, people naturally will be united in achieving this target by being a hospitable host. Secondly, it automatically creates opportunity for infrastructure development and along with it lot of job opportunities will be created and taking into consideration the number of visitors or tourists coming from abroad, the country can expect an economic boom through tourism aspect also. Eventually, if properly sustained, this can have an everlasting effect and people will remember this event as a product of their combined effort raising patriotism to a higher order. On the other hand, hooliganism or any other kind of violence is enough to turn the table to a reverse order. Atmosphere can be highly volatile, if two nations with not so good political or economic relationship meet in a crucial world cup match. Patriotic emotions can run extremely high because of a wrong decision or as a result of an emotional action by the players in these kinds of matches, otherwise considered silly. A classic example was the 1970 FIFA world cup qualifier match between Honduras and El Salvador which resulted in rioting and consequently ended in a war between these two African nations. The incidence of these kind were reported from many football fields as well as Olympic arenas. To summarize, I agree with the fact that to a large extend this kind of global events helps to ease tensions between countries particularly neighbours and enhance positive patriotic emotions. But, if emotions go out of hand, though rare, can result in an unwarranted violent situation.
Soccer world cup and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
like the Olympics, unite the nations at least
temporarily
as long as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
take the defeat in true sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
spirit and enjoy winning
Consider replacing "in a responsible fashion" with the adverb for "responsible"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a responsible fashion
. Will patriotism pave way to violence in any circumstances on these occasions?

On the one side,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
any international sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
is a proud moment for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. If conducted
Consider replacing "in a proper manner" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper manner
, benefits will be of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
folds.
Primarily
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
wants to present itself
internationally
to create a grand impression,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
naturally
will
be united
in achieving this target by being a hospitable host.
Secondly
, it
automatically
creates opportunity for infrastructure development and along with it lot of job opportunities will
be created
and taking into consideration the number of visitors or tourists coming from abroad, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
an economic boom through tourism aspect
also
.
Eventually
, if
properly
sustained, this can have an everlasting effect and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will remember this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
as a product of their combined effort raising patriotism to a higher order.

On the other hand
, hooliganism or any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of violence is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to turn the table to a reverse order. Atmosphere can be
highly
volatile, if two nations with not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
political or economic relationship
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
in a crucial world cup match. Patriotic emotions can run
extremely
high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision or
as a result
of an emotional action by the players in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of matches,
otherwise
considered silly. A classic example was the 1970
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
FIFA world cup
qualifier match between Honduras and El Salvador which resulted in rioting and
consequently
ended in a war between these two African nations. The incidence of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
were reported
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
football fields
as well
as Olympic arenas.

To summarize
, I
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
to a large extend this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
tensions between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
particularly
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
and enhance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
patriotic emotions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if emotions go out of hand, though rare, can result in an unwarranted violent situation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts give information about two genres of TV programmes watched by men and women and four different age groups in Australia v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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