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Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. v. 1
Sometimes, Employers ask to job-seekers about their personal data during interviews such as they are married or unmarried, regarding their family as well as their hobbies and area of interest. Some people believe that these details are helpful to create an environment same as home to feel their employee comfortable at work place. On the other side, some people think that these all information is confidential and therefore, it should be unnecessary to ask in the job profile. These both statements have their own view. Here, we discussed both views. Nowadays, with this developing economy, MNCs are procuring highly educated and well etiquette staff to improve their company’s turnover and reputation globally. The HR people always try to build good working team to get higher output. Therefore, they always inquire their employee’s personal details like their family, marital status as well as their likes and dislikes. Moreover, they tend to provide them home-friendly environment at the office to get work done in their own timeline. Therefore, in my opinion, your boss should know each detail of you so, they can help you in your need. For instance, Kristina, one of my colleagues who have been working at our Chennai branch. Recently, she got married and she wanted to resign from assignment because she has shifted from Chennai to Mumbai. Our company does not want to lose her because she is the perfect unit leader and goal achiever. Therefore, the manager told her to join their Mumbai office as soon as possible. It is all because of her reason which she mentioned in her resignation letter. On the other hand, some hiring organisation criticises their employee by their family situation or their hobbies. They always discourage their staff member whenever they find any mistake in their work rather than encouraging them. In addition, the manager or head of the department continuously focuses on their limitations while they have held higher degree with skill and intelligence. In this case personal information can be the cause of discrimination. For example, the person who does not belong to reputed and sophisticated family, but he has done his master’s and join his very first job in School. But there he has confronted due to his lower caste. All staff members are not well behaved with him. In this 21st century, still we are facing these issues in well-educated society. Therefore, some people do not want to share their personal info with any agency and believe it to keep confidential. From the above discussion, I believe that, to share your personal information with your professional does body not harm you, but always help to progress in your career without any stress.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, Employers
This is a collocation error. You do not need a preposition after 'ask'. Remove it: "ask".
ask to
job-seekers about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data during interviews such as they
are married
or unmarried, regarding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as their hobbies and area of interest.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
are helpful to create an environment same as home to feel their employee comfortable at work place. On the other side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these all information is confidential and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
, it should be unnecessary to ask in the job profile. These both statements have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view. Here, we discussed both views.

Nowadays, with this developing economy,
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNCs
are procuring
highly
educated and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
etiquette staff to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s turnover and reputation globally. The HR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always try to build
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
working team to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher output.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they always inquire their employee’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
like their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, marital status as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as their likes and dislikes.
Moreover
, they tend to provide them home-friendly environment at the office to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
work done in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
timeline.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, in my opinion, your boss should know each detail of you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you in your need.

For instance
, Kristina, one of my colleagues who have been working at our Chennai branch. Recently, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
married and
she wanted to resign from assignment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she has shifted from Chennai to Mumbai. Our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
does not want to lose her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she is the perfect unit leader and goal achiever.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, the manager
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
her to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
their Mumbai office as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. It is all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her reason which she mentioned in her resignation letter.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hiring
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
Possible spelling mistake. 'criticises' is British English.
criticises
their employee by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
situation or their hobbies. They always discourage their staff member whenever they find any mistake in their work
rather
than encouraging them.
In addition
, the manager or head of the department
continuously
focuses on their limitations while they have held higher degree with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and intelligence.
In this case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information can be the cause of discrimination.

For example
, the person who does not belong to reputed and sophisticated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he has done his master’s and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
his
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
job in School.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there he has confronted due to his lower caste. All staff members are not
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well behaved
with him. In this 21st century,
still
we are facing these issues in well-educated society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not want to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
info with any agency and believe it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
confidential.

From the above discussion, I believe that, to share your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information with your professional does body not harm you,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to progress in your career without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
445 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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