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Do you agree or disagree with the followings statement? Teachers’ performance should be evaluated by students rather than by other teachers. v.1

Teachers’ performance should be evaluated by students rather than by other teachers. v. 1
Presently, Computers are performing most of works in various fields and that no other device could compete. So, these were considered as one of the precious discovery over the century. I completely agree with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion. Firstly, Computers were designed to perform mathematical calculations because the machines were good at doing the things repeatedly. While humans are considered to be the creative thinking, but they cannot concentrate on the same task, they perform continuously. For instance, People can make a lot mistakes at the task they were meant to do regularly, whereas machines like computer completes the work accurately. Secondly, the machine helps to finish the work within the time and they do not take any break unless the instructor stops giving instructions. Though these consume a lot of electricity, but they were good at completing the task within the stimulated time. A research stated 90% of car manufacturers started delivering the products exactly to the customers before the deadline only after the introduction of the computers. Interestingly, Banking and other sectors started depending more on computers to store details of various customers. People who were especially working in these sectors depends on these systems because they were considered as one of the easiest tools to store and retrieve data. Besides, teaching using these modern tools had made very simple to understand for students. Even if the topic was too lengthy, Computers help students to concentrate and memorize the concepts. In conclusion, Computer was the most precious tool, that had been invented over the century because these tools facilitate people to complete the work more efficiently than any other device. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that these can be used in various fields in order to expect the desired outcome.
Presently
, Computers are performing
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the works") or simply say "most works".
most of works
in various fields and that no other device could compete.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, these
were considered
as one of the precious discovery over the century. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion.

Firstly
, Computers
were designed
to perform mathematical calculations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the machines were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at doing the things
repeatedly
. While humans
are considered
to be the creative thinking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot concentrate on the same task, they perform
continuously
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of mistakes"?
a lot mistakes
at the task they
were meant
to do
regularly
, whereas machines like computer completes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
accurately
.
Secondly
, the machine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to finish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
within the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they do not take any break unless the instructor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
giving instructions. Though these consume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
electricity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at completing the task within the stimulated time.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
stated 90% of car manufacturers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
delivering the products exactly to the customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the deadline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after the introduction of the computers.

Interestingly
, Banking and other sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
depending more on computers to store
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of various customers.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who were
especially
working in these sectors depends on these systems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
were considered
as one of the easiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
to store and retrieve data.
Besides
, teaching using these modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
had made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
simple to understand for students. Even if the topic was too lengthy, Computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students to concentrate and memorize the concepts.

In conclusion
, Computer was the most precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tool
, that had
been invented
over the century
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
facilitate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to complete the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more
efficiently
than any other device.
Nevertheless
, I
strongly
believe that these can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in various fields in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the desired outcome.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Teachers’ performance should be evaluated by students rather than by other teachers. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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