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Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. v. 2
Nowadays many may hold the view that there are numerous problems in society because people are paying excessive attention to money and personal belongings. At the same time, however, there is a body of opinion which claims that such money-oriented trend may be of great significance to the improvement of people’s lives. In this essay I will examine both sides of the debate and provide my own opinion. To begin with, since people excessively focus on money, the relationship between family members is undermined. In order to earn more incomes workers may be busy with work but spare little time to stay with their wives and children, thus reducing the communication of each other. In addition, the addiction to personal items makes people become materialistic for they may not be willing to engage in mental activities, such as learning literature, which will harm the overall development of a society. On the other hand, there is no doubt that money can help meet people’s daily needs, as with money the owners can purchase whatever they want including cars, houses and domestic appliances. Also, money can enrich people’s lives, allowing them to travel around the world to see different kinds of things. Furthermore, consumer culture may create a large number of job vacancies since in order to satisfy the greater demand for products manufacturers have to recruit more workers. To summarize, there is no denying that spiritual lives may be negatively affected when people are paying too close attention to money and possessions. At the same time, however, people’s living standards can be improved when they live in the consumer environment. In the final analysis, therefore, one can only conclude that people should live a balanced life with money and possessions and other mental activities combined.
Nowadays
Possible agreement error. The noun may seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much may", "a good deal of may".
many may
hold the view that there are numerous problems in society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are paying excessive attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and personal belongings. At the same time,
however
, there is a body of opinion which claims that such money-oriented trend may be of great significance to the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. In this essay I will examine both sides of the debate and provide my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
excessively
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, the relationship between family members
is undermined
. In order to earn more incomes workers may be busy with work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
spare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time to stay with their wives and children,
thus
reducing the communication of each other.
In addition
, the addiction to personal items
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become materialistic for they may not be willing to engage in mental activities, such as learning literature, which will harm the
overall
development of a society.

On the other hand
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily needs, as with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
the owners can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
whatever they want including cars,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and domestic appliances.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can enrich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, allowing them to travel around the world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of things.
Furthermore
, consumer culture may create
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
job vacancies since in order to satisfy the greater demand for products manufacturers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
recruit more workers.

To summarize
, there is no denying that spiritual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
may be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are paying too close attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and possessions. At the same time,
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
living standards can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the consumer environment. In the final analysis,
therefore
, one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a balanced life with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and possessions and other mental activities combined.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people say that we now live in a consumer society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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