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Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v.4

Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v. 4
Nowadays, the pace of changes in the world of technology is amazing. These speedy changes lead entertainment industry to become ahead of many sectors in our lives. A fastest growing popularity of stars in different fields is a controversial topic that is discussed almost everywhere in the world. To my way of thinking, people who are getting fame in the 21st century are highly-paid workers. In one hand, I reckon that people are equal in every aspect so as our professions. Owing to the fact that we can divide employment world into two sectors we will understand that professions that serve mass entertainment requirements and whose working process can be seen on television are highly profitable, compared to those who are working in offices for long hours. Consequently, people show them less respect. In fact, these kinds of professionals can be more beneficial for society as well as for government than those who are famous from televisions. For instance, if we compare architects salary to famous musicians or pop stars income we can vividly see a sharp difference between them. If a senior architect's whole year's income makes up approximately $70, 000, a famous pop star can earn two times more money by performing in a single concert. On another hand, a vast majority of TV stars such as movie stars or even sports icons have appropriate financial rewards that accurately suit its working standards as well as their high professionalism. For instance, Emma Watson who is a worldwide famous star should have a high income. We cannot deny the fact that high financial rewards can encourage people to improve themselves in terms of career. Some people believe that this kind of attitude will lead our entertainment industry to industrial prosperity. In conclusion, I would like to say that after discussing both sides of argument my sentiments are on par with the idea that entertainers who are famous from the blue screen should have equal financial rewards as people working at other important sectors.
Nowadays, the pace of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the world of technology is amazing. These speedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
lead entertainment industry to become ahead of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Use "the" with the superlative.
A
fastest growing popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields is a controversial topic that
is discussed
almost everywhere in the world. To my way of thinking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are getting fame in the 21st century are
highly
-paid workers.

In one hand, I reckon that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are equal in every aspect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as our professions. Owing to the fact that we can divide employment world into two sectors we will understand that professions that serve mass entertainment requirements and whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
process can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on television are
highly
profitable, compared to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in offices for long hours.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
them less respect. In fact, these kinds of professionals can be more beneficial for society
as well
as for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
from televisions.
For instance
, if we compare architects salary to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
musicians or pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
income we can
vividly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a sharp difference between them. If a senior architect's whole year's income
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
up approximately $70, 000, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
pop star can earn two times more money by performing in a single concert.

On another hand, a vast majority of TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
such as movie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
or even sports icons have appropriate financial rewards that
accurately
suit its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
standards
as well
as their high professionalism.
For instance
, Emma Watson
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is a worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
star should have a high income. We cannot deny the fact that high financial rewards can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
themselves in terms of career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that this kind of attitude will lead our entertainment industry to industrial prosperity.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that after discussing both sides of argument my sentiments are on par with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that entertainers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
from the blue screen should have equal financial rewards as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sectors.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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