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Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v.1

Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v. 1
There is a general believe that famous actors, singers or people who write famous songs and sports legends have a huge salary. However, I firmly believe that it is obvious and fair that the payment of famous people like movie stars, pop musicians or sports champions have is much higher than the salaries of different other professionals. First of all, there is no doubt that the amount of payment of stars should be much higher than the amount of salaries of different kinds of work because people’s salary depends on the profit of the business and the expense. For example, in order to produce a movie or sing a song or do some sports activity, usually, people do not spend a lot of money. However, when their work becomes famous they have a huge amount of salary because their work is very popular and many people buy this movie or go to the theatre to watch the famous film. The next point that needs to be taken into consideration is that famous artists have huge salaries because of their works are special and exceptional. For example, no one has the same voice as Madonna or Celine Dion. Another example is that no one can act in a  play as can Antonio Banderas. Whereas, a lot of people can be accountants, lawyers or doctors. Many people can learn, who to do these kinds of job and simply repeat the work according to written and already adopted rules. For these reasons, special professions such as movie stars, sports legends or pop musicians should have a bigger salary than people from different professions. To sum up, it is evident that famous people should have bigger remuneration that people who have different professions because they produce special and extremely popular work that impossible to copy by anyone else. While accountant, lawyer or doctor position could be done by a lot of people.
There is a general believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
actors, singers or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who write
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
songs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
legends have a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
.
However
, I
firmly
believe that it is obvious and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
that the payment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
stars, pop musicians or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
champions have is much higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
other professionals.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there is no doubt that the amount of payment of stars should be much higher than the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
depends on the profit of the business and the expense.
For example
, in order to produce a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
or sing a song or do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activity,
usually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
However
, when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
becomes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
they have a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
or go to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
film.

The
next
point that needs to
be taken
into consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
artists have huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their works are special and exceptional.
For example
, no one has the same voice as Madonna or Celine Dion. Another example is that no one can act in a
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
play as can Antonio
Possible spelling mistake found.
Banderas
. Whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be accountants, lawyers or doctors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn, who to do these kinds of job and
simply
repeat the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
according to written and already adopted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. For these reasons, special professions such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
stars,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
legends or pop musicians should have a bigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
professions.

To sum up, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have bigger remuneration that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
professions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they produce special and
extremely
popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that impossible to copy by anyone else. While accountant, lawyer or doctor position could
be done
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Many people say that film stars, musicians and sports stars are highly paid whereas professionals of other important sectors are comparatively less paid. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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