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many people prefer to work in the same field for their whole life while some prefer to change the field of work. discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.1

many people prefer to work in the same field for their whole life while some prefer to change the field of work. v. 1
At the present time, work has become an essential requirement in everyone’s life. Hence, certain individuals choose to work in the one field throughout their livelihood. Whereas, the rest of the folks like to change the field frequently. In my opinion, it is better to work in the same stream rather than changing, owning to several benefits of staying in one field. On the one hand, the prime benefits of sticking to one stream is the opportunity to have a plethora of achievements in life, such as promotion, different position, and higher salary. This will allow a person to support his family financially. Moreover, a person will get a pension security in their older age, so that they do not have to worry about their later life. For example, As per the employment data of the India, 80% of the people used to stick to the same field due to better future security. On the other hand, the changing work stream has an advantage of increasing knowledge of the distinct field. When a person jumps on to another work field, there are people who are there to support them at each step and to be successful in the field, they are forced to find the new information and accidently they explore the new knowledge. This is how they boost their knowledge. For instance, the research department of the US found that 70 % of the youth are knowledgeable because they frequently change the field. From my point of view, it is the essential to have pension security than increased knowledge which will be obtained by staying in the same field for life time. In conclusion, continue to work in the same field indeed provide the strong support later in life. However, if a person takes some an essential point into consideration while choosing to change the field, the cons of jumping to an another filed can be tackled to some extent.
At the present time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has become an essential requirement in everyone’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Hence
, certain individuals choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
throughout their livelihood.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the rest of the folks like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
frequently
. In my opinion, it is better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the same stream
rather
than changing, owning to several benefits of staying in one field.

On the one hand, the prime benefits of sticking to one stream is the opportunity to have a plethora of achievements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as promotion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
position, and higher salary. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to support his family
financially
.
Moreover
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a pension security in their older age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about their later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, As per the employment data of the India, 80% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to stick to the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
due to better future security.

On the other hand
, the changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
stream has an advantage of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of the distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
. When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
jumps on to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are there to support them at each step and to be successful in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
, they
are forced
to find the new information and
Possible spelling mistake found.
accidently
they explore the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. This is how they boost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
For instance
, the research department of the US found that 70 % of the youth are knowledgeable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the field.

From my point of view, it is the essential to have pension security than increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
which will
be obtained
by staying in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
for
Did you mean "lifetime"?
life time
.

In conclusion
, continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
indeed
provide the strong support later in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
an essential point into consideration while choosing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
, the cons of jumping to
One of these determiners is redundant in this context. Choose only one: "a filed" or "another filed".
an another filed
can
be tackled
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay many people prefer to work in the same field for their whole life while some prefer to change the field of work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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