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Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop physical exercise? What can be done to solve this problem? v.1

Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop physical exercise? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1
It is irrefutable that in past adults do a lot of exercise as compared to nowadays. Therefore, it is argued that many people play sport in their young age, but then stops when they become adults. However, this essay will discuss about the reasons of this trend in the first paragraph and, then it will concentrate on on its solutions in the subsequent paragraph. There are some reasons why people stop doing exercise when they were adults. First and foremost reason is that due to their busy schedule. People spend all of their time in their work or education. For example, my parents, whose very busy in their work because both are doing the job. So they do not give time to do exercise. As a reason, owing to do a lot of work, people give more importance to take rest in their leisure time. In young age, they do not have to do work and they are free from responsibilities, so they like to do exercise. All in all, this is the reason why adults do not like to do exercise. One the other hand, some solutions are available to tackle this problem. Firstly, adults should try to manage their time and do exercise in the morning or evening time because it is good for health. For example, my uncle, who is a doctor, but he does lots of physical activities in the morning time, which gives a message to the society and influence people for doing yoga. For this reason, it is evidence that adults do exercise. To summarize, although adults do not like to do exercise. Therefore, it is clear that adults manage their time and doing exercise. After though analysis on this subject, it is predicted that if adult do no doing exercise, then they will face hard challenges in future.
It is irrefutable that in past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
as compared to nowadays.
Therefore
, it
is argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play sport in their young age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
when they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
However
, this essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of this trend in the
first
paragraph and, then it will concentrate
Possible typo: you repeated a word
on on
its solutions in the subsequent paragraph.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
when they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
First
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that due to their busy schedule.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
spend all of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or education.
For example
, my parents, whose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
busy in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
the job.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they do not give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, owing to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give more importance to take rest in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In young age, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they are free from responsibilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they like to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. All in all, this is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
do not like to do exercise.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions are available to tackle this problem.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
should try to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in the morning or evening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for health.
For example
, my uncle, who is a doctor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he does lots of physical activities in the morning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which gives a message to the society and influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
yoga. For this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, it is evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
do exercise.

To summarize
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
do not like to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. After though analysis on this subject, it
is predicted
that if adult do no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, then they will face
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
challenges
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop physical exercise? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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