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Many people play sport when they are young but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adult. Why this happen? What can do about this problem? v.1

Many people play sport when they are young but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adult. Why this happen? What can do about this problem? v. 1
The Coworkers you interact witا have a significant influence on your productivity and motivation to work. I personally think that it is critically important to have coworkers who have a serious attitude regarding their work obligations and a willingness to learn. I will explore the reasons why I think so in the following essay. First of all, being serious and responsible is what guarantee respect and productivity in any workplace. It makes everything clear for me and my coworkers when everyone of us knows the specific area they have to task in and do their job without passing it off to another person. I had a personal experience that demonstrate what I mean, last year I decided with 3 friends of mine to start a charity effort. It was the first time for all of us to do such a thing. Thus, there was a lot of job that needs to be done. From the early beginning, we set the plan and divided the responsibilities, so that everyone has a clear idea of what he\she has to do. As a result, we worked with a professional demeanour and we succeeded. Secondly, the modern task requires coworkers who are willing to learn new things since we live in a rapidly changing world. Coworkers, who are willing to learn new things, achieve things faster and more efficiently with the more up to date ways. For example, you cannot insist on working with an old slow computer just because you are more comfortable with. The characteristic is necessary because the one who do not change can not be up to the new challenges and will be buried. My uncle is a perfect example of what I mean. He has a 20-year experience in teaching as a university professor. He seems like the best teacher you will ever have; however, his teaching methods are way out of date and do not work in the modern technological world.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Coworkers
you interact
Possible spelling mistake found.
witا
have a significant influence on your productivity and motivation to work. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
critically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coworkers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a serious attitude regarding their work obligations and a willingness to learn. I will explore the reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, being serious and responsible is what guarantee respect and productivity in any workplace. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
for me and my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coworkers
when
Did you mean "every one"?
everyone
of us knows the specific area they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
task in and do their job without passing it off to another person. I had a personal experience that demonstrate what I mean, last year I decided with 3 friends of mine to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a charity effort. It was the
first
time for all of us to do such a thing.
Thus
, there was
Possible agreement error. The noun job seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of jobs".
a lot of job
that needs to
be done
. From the early beginning, we set the plan and divided the responsibilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that everyone has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of what he\she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do.
As a result
, we worked with a professional
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
demeanour and
we succeeded.

Secondly
, the modern task requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coworkers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are willing to learn new things since we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
rapidly
changing world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Coworkers
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are willing to learn new things, achieve things faster and more
efficiently
with the more up to date ways.
For example
, you cannot insist on working with an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
slow computer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you are more comfortable with. The characteristic is necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
can not be up to the new challenges and will
be buried
. My uncle is a perfect example of what I mean.

He has a 20-year experience in teaching as a university professor. He seems like the best teacher you will ever have;
however
, his teaching methods are way out of date and do not work in the modern technological world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people play sport when they are young but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adult. Why this happen? What can do about this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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