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Many people go to university for academic study. More people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is lack of qualified workers such as electrocians and plumbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.6

Many people go to university for academic study. More people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is lack of qualified workers such as electrocians and plumbers. v. 6
It is true that there is a shortage of qualified workers since people prefer going to universities rather than vocational schools. While I concede the importance role of universities, I agree with the idea that we should encourage more people to become qualified workers. There is a ground supporting the view of scholastic pursuit at universities. The principle role of academic study is to provide students with a solid foundation of skills and knowledge related to a broad area of study. The depth and breadth of the knowledge which students take advantage of would promote their critical thinking and creative ability, in order to find specific solutions for certain complicated problems that they encounter in the working process. For example, being an economist bachelor, I usually apply general economic theories that I learned from my university in to specific discussion with my senior manager on monthly plan analysis. However, I am convinced that vocational training should be recognized as a key to the workforce supply because it benefits both people and authorities. First, if students decide to follow technical education, they can increase their employability and likelihood of finding a job, especially in the current competitive working environment where there is a redundancy of bachelors and engineers. In contrast to general theories and principal from universities, vocational knowledge is designed to help people go directly into their new job, which also might increase their salaries in a shorter time. Second, more people become qualified workers could balance demand and supply of workforce, ultimately reducing burden on the government budget since it reduces unemployment rate, increase budget from tax income and decrease unemployment benefit. In conclusion, more people should go to vocational school to fill the shortage of qualified workers in the current workforce.
It is true that there is a shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
workers since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
rather
than vocational schools. While I concede the importance role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that we should encourage more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
workers.

There is a ground supporting the view of scholastic pursuit at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. The principle role of academic study is to provide students with a solid foundation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge related to a broad area of study. The depth and breadth of the knowledge which students take advantage of would promote their critical thinking and creative ability, in order to find specific solutions for certain complicated problems that they encounter in the working process.
For example
, being an economist bachelor, I
usually
apply general economic theories that I learned from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
in to specific discussion with my senior manager on monthly plan analysis.

However
, I
am convinced
that vocational training should
be recognized
as a key to the workforce supply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it benefits both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and authorities.
First
, if students decide to follow technical education, they can increase their employability and likelihood of finding a job,
especially
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
competitive working environment where there is a redundancy of bachelors and engineers.
In contrast
to general theories and principal from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, vocational knowledge
is designed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go
directly
into their new job, which
also
might increase their salaries in a shorter time. Second, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
workers could balance demand and supply of workforce,
ultimately
reducing burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
budget since it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
unemployment rate, increase budget from tax income and decrease unemployment benefit.

In conclusion
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should go to vocational school to
The usual prepositions to use after "fill" is 'with' not "the" Did you mean "fill the shortage with"?
fill the shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualified
workers in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
workforce.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people go to university for academic study. More people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is lack of qualified workers such as electrocians and plumbers. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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