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Most people think that money cannot buy happiness. Why is happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness? v.2

Most people think that money cannot buy happiness. Why is happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness? v. 2
There is no gainsaying the fact that happiness is the key to various benefits: promotes a healthier lifestyle; boosts immune system; fights stress and pain; supports longevity. Considering this many people agree with the idea that happiness cannot be bought. Defining happiness is difficult because everyone has a different concept of it. Apparently, people can become happier by changing their mindset, spending time in nature and working on themselves more. To commence with, the concept of happiness is a quite difficult thing to define as many echelons have different ideas to what contributes to happiness. Some feel that money is the key, others would say that family is the main factor and yet others believe that freedom and self-expression contribute to a happy existence. To illustrate this, a study carried out by leading psychologist in the USA in 2008 over a two-year period, which polled over ninety thousand people, exhibited that opinions varied greatly. A vast majority said that freedom and creativity were paramount while many others cited a multitude of other reasons for happiness, one of those being financial gain. In my view, people can become much happier with introspection and meditation. Many a person when works on himself/herself and reflects on their inner feelings, it leads to emotional maturity. All too often it is easy to focus on the outside world and materialism, this can further lead to shallow as walking in the forest, meditation and working on inner feelings, a person can achieve far greater joy than if they focus on material success such as making lots of money and pursuing fame and recognition. All in all, it can be concluded, although happiness is hard to clearly define owing to different views, I think that it is through meditation, introspection and time in nature an individual can develop a greater sense of well-being.
There is no gainsaying the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is the key to various benefits: promotes a healthier lifestyle; boosts immune system; fights
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and pain; supports longevity. Considering this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
. Defining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is difficult
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
concept of it.
Apparently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become happier by changing their mindset, spending time in nature and working on themselves more.

To commence with, the concept of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a quite difficult thing to define as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
echelons have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to what contributes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
feel that money is the key, others would say that family is the main factor and
yet
others believe that freedom and self-expression contribute to a happy existence. To illustrate this, a study carried out by leading psychologist in the USA in 2008 over a two-year period, which polled over ninety thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, exhibited that opinions varied
greatly
. A vast majority said that freedom and creativity were paramount while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others cited a multitude of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, one of those being financial gain.

In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become much happier with introspection and meditation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
a person when works on himself/herself and reflects on their inner feelings, it leads to emotional maturity. All too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
it is easy to focus on the outside world and materialism, this can
further
lead to shallow as walking in the forest, meditation and working on inner feelings, a person can achieve far greater joy than if they focus on material success such as making lots of money and pursuing fame and recognition.

All in all, it can
be concluded
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
clearly
define owing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is through meditation, introspection and time in nature an individual can develop a greater sense of well-being.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Most people think that money cannot buy happiness. Why is happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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