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Childcare is important. Some people think that parents should require child training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Childcare is important. Some people think that parents should require child training courses. v. 2
There is no gainsaying the fact that progenitors need some knowledge and experience in order to raise their children in an appropriate way. Considering this regard, many families attend different training courses even. While I agree that these courses might be useful for some of them, I totally disagree with the recommended obligatory phenomenon of such training as few parents may not be able afford it financially or owing to less time. On the one hand, training courses usually offered by governments could be quite useful for those guardians who have a child with special needs. For example, if a child has a birth defect or has been diagnosed with any mental or musculoskeletal disorders, these kinds of training could be lifesaving. Additionally, as it is known, the first few months after birth are really a crucial period of a child’s life; parents ought to obtain different information related to their child’s vaccinations, common health maladies, different developmental issues and many more, which can be delivered through such training courses. On the other hand, I believe that making these programs as a mandatory option would cause several problems for societies and individuals as well. To begin with, in order to achieve this goal, many a professional ought to be trained which may not be affordable for some governments. From an individual’s point of view, this kind of mandatory programs could be very time-consuming for some families who have other children at home or who work long hours. The other prominent consideration is that parent training courses may not render all the imperative information for each and every family. To be more precise, parents could get more beneficial information through various websites such as YouTube according to their own preferences. To recapitulate, although I believe that many families can take advantage from training courses, I do believe that making them as a compulsory option for everyone is too time and money-consuming for individuals and governments.
There is no gainsaying the fact that progenitors need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge and experience in order to raise their children
Consider replacing "in an appropriate way" with the adverb for "appropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an appropriate way
. Considering this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
attend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
even. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
might be useful for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them, I
totally
disagree with the recommended obligatory phenomenon of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
as few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may not be
The preposition 'to' is required in front of the verb 'afford'.
able afford
it
financially
or owing to less time.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
usually
offered by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could be quite useful for those guardians who have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
with special needs.
For example
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
has a birth defect or has
been diagnosed
with any mental or musculoskeletal disorders, these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
could be lifesaving.
Additionally
, as it
is known
, the
first
few months after birth are
really
a crucial period of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
life;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
ought to obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
information related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
vaccinations, common health maladies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
developmental issues and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more, which can
be delivered
through such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
courses.

On the other hand
, I believe that making these programs as a mandatory option would cause several problems for societies and individuals
as well
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in order to achieve this goal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
a professional ought to
be trained
which may not be affordable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
. From an individual’s point of view, this kind of mandatory programs could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
time-consuming for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
who have other children at home or who work long hours. The other prominent consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
may not render all the imperative information for each and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. To be more precise,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more beneficial information through various websites such as YouTube according to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
preferences.

To recapitulate, although I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can take advantage from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, I do believe that making them as a compulsory option for everyone is too time and money-consuming for individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Childcare is important. Some people think that parents should require child training courses. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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