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Many people commit a crime due to lack of well-educated. However, nowadays, it’s also happened with high intellectual level. Explain both phenomenal. v.1

Many people commit a crime due to lack of well-educated. However, nowadays, it’s also happened with high intellectual level. Explain both phenomenal. v. 1
Owing to financial support to family or parents wish, children are involved in various paid jobs. Many believe, it is not right, while others think, such trend is valuable, because it is crucial for learning and becoming responsible. In my opinion, it is not justifiable. In this contemporary era, competition has increased. Because of this reason, parents want their children to be skilled at a young age. To ensure a sense of responsibility at this age, they motivate or force them to engage in some kind of paid jobs. However, such thinking is detrimental to their personality, as childhood is all about enjoying your own world. Psychologists believe, childhood must be free of worries and trauma. People who are lucky enough to stay happy at a young level, become more creative and develop positive personality in the future. Although children get valuable experience of learning and leadership skills by working, they lose interest in education. Children who do jobs for such experience, become independent and are more focused on earning money. As an illustration, my cousin wanted her daughter to do a job to learn new skills and develop a sense of responsibility. But she became rebellious and left school, as she wanted to earn money and lost interest in studies. Hence, paid jobs at this young age are hazardous for children because their personality is unstable. To conclude, in many countries, children are engaged in paid jobs. Many believe it boosts children's personality because it is valuable in terms of learning and taking responsibility, however, others disagree. In my view, such trend should not be promoted.
Owing to financial support to family or parents wish,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are involved
in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe, it is not right, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, such trend is valuable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is crucial for learning and becoming responsible. In my opinion, it is not justifiable.

In this contemporary era, competition has increased.
Because of this
reason, parents want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be skilled
at a young age. To ensure a sense of responsibility at this age, they motivate or force them to engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
However
, such thinking is detrimental to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
, as childhood is all about enjoying your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
world. Psychologists believe, childhood
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be free of worries and trauma.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who are lucky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to stay happy at a young level, become more creative and develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
in the future.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
valuable experience of learning and leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by working, they lose interest in education.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for such experience, become independent and are more focused on earning money. As an illustration, my cousin wanted her daughter to do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and develop a sense of responsibility.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
she became rebellious and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
school, as she wanted to earn money and lost interest in studies.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
at this young age are hazardous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
is unstable.

To conclude
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are engaged
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe it boosts children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is valuable in terms of learning and taking responsibility,
however
, others disagree. In my view, such trend should not
be promoted
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people commit a crime due to lack of well-educated. However, nowadays, it’s also happened with high intellectual level. Explain both phenomenal. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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