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Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. v. 2
Advertisements for beer, wine and spirits are now banned in many nations. This essay agrees with this idea because drinking can lead to serious health and social problems and advertisers can often influence people to drink more than they should. Advertising alcoholic drinks should be banned because alcohol is harmful to a person’s health. Drinking too much causes several conditions, including liver cancer, diabetes and brain damage. This puts a huge strain on the health service and not only causes suffering to the patients, but also to their families. For example, Russia had a huge problem with alcoholism and many men were dying from alcohol related diseases, but after they decided to stop companies promoting alcoholic beverages on TV and in print ads, it resulted in a huge reduction of such cases. Another reason why the promotion of alcohol should be prohibited is the fact that it influences people unfairly to buy that product. The main goal of any advertising campaign is to sell more and this could be seen as irresponsible considering the harm drinking can do. Commercials often make certain drink brands look cool or sexy, in order to sway potential customer and don’t actually talk about the dangers. For example, Hennessy adverts often portray a handsome man in a luxurious setting, drinking cognac with a beautiful woman. However, it should be noted that warnings are often put at the end of these ad warning people to ‘drink responsibly’. In conclusion, alcohol is a hazardous product and advertisers should not be allowed to try and convince people to drink it and I, therefore, believe that more countries should ban advertising of liquor.
Advertisements for beer, wine and spirits are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
banned in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinking
can lead to serious health and social problems and advertisers can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
more than they should.

Advertising alcoholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
should
be banned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
is harmful to a person’s health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Drinking
too much causes several conditions, including liver cancer, diabetes and brain damage. This puts a huge strain on the health service and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
causes suffering to the patients,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to their families.
For example
, Russia had a huge problem with alcoholism and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were dying from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
related diseases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after they decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
promoting alcoholic beverages on TV and in print ads, it resulted in a huge reduction of such cases.

Another reason why the promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
should
be prohibited
is the fact that it influences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
unfairly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that product. The main goal of any advertising campaign is to sell more and this could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as irresponsible considering the harm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinking
can do. Commercials
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
brands look cool or sexy, in order to sway potential customer and don’t actually talk about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
.
For example
, Hennessy adverts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
portray a handsome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in a luxurious setting,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinking
cognac with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
woman.
However
, it should
be noted
that warnings are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
put at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of these ad warning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
‘drink
responsibly
’.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
is a hazardous product and advertisers should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
convince
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
it and I,
therefore
, believe that more countries should ban advertising of liquor.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her job, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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