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Many people believe that technological and science advance make food better, whereas some others believe that because of it, that food now is more harmful in people's life. Discuss both views and say your opinion. v.1

Many people believe that technological and science advance make food better, whereas some others believe that because of it, that food now is more harmful in people's life. v. 1
It is controversial to decide whether students should be in employment prior to their tertiary education. In my opinion, I am supportive of the student’s employment because the experience gained would be beneficial for their academic and the additional income would help them be financially stable. This essay will address them in further explanation. To begin with, taking up a job would bring tremendous experience to students, which is directly related to their academics. Indeed, practical knowledge acts as a fundamental basis for their future education, because after all, studying is a preparation phase for working and vice versa. For instance, a student who is planning to major in English language could consider working as a teaching assistant. Realistic interaction with native speaker would cultivate his English skills as well as his professionalism. This would give him a head start of his classmates and able to excel quickly in English thanks to his hands-on experience. Apart from acquiring practical knowledge from the workplace, earning a considerable amount of income is also worth having a job. The majority of students need substantial tuition fees to enrol in a university and sustain their education so therefore, the monthly earning would somewhat lessen the financial burden they are carrying. Furthermore, those students who decide to be part of the workforce would grow to maturity faster than their peers as they become more financially independent. For example, learning the importance of monetary values at a young age would provide students with a sense of responsibility for themselves and their families. In conclusion, I side with the idea of taking up employment as a pre-university student. Joining the workforce would immensely foster students’ social skills along with their practical knowledge. Moreover, making hard-earned money would gradually turn students into a financially independent person and instill a greater sense of appreciation for their parents and the society.
It is controversial to decide whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be in employment prior to their tertiary education. In my opinion, I am supportive of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the experience gained would be beneficial for their academic and the additional income would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them be
financially
stable. This essay will address them in
further
explanation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, taking up a job would bring tremendous experience to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, which is
directly
related to their academics.
Indeed
, practical knowledge acts as a fundamental basis for their future education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after all
, studying is a preparation phase for working and vice versa.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who is planning to major in English language could consider working as a teaching assistant. Realistic interaction with native speaker would cultivate his English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as his professionalism. This would give him a head
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of his classmates and able to excel
quickly
in English thanks to his hands-on experience.

Apart from acquiring practical knowledge from the workplace, earning a considerable amount of income is
also
worth having a job. The majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need substantial tuition fees to enrol in a university and sustain their education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
therefore
, the monthly earning would somewhat lessen the financial burden they are carrying.
Furthermore
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who decide to be part of the workforce would grow to maturity faster than their peers as they become more
financially
independent.
For example
, learning the importance of monetary values at a young age would provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with a sense of responsibility for themselves and their families.

In conclusion
, I side with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of taking up employment as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. Joining the workforce would
immensely
foster
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
along with their practical knowledge.
Moreover
, making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-earned money would
gradually
turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
into a
financially
independent person and instill a greater sense of appreciation for their parents and the society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that technological and science advance make food better, whereas some others believe that because of it, that food now is more harmful in people's life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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