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Technological Advance Computers are replacing more and more jobs. describe some positions that may be lost because of computer and discuss at least one problem that may result. v.1

Technological Advance Computers are replacing more and more jobs. describe some positions that may be lost because of computer and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 1
In this day and age, most people lead a sedentary lifestyle which brings about health problems. In the meantime, how to give people motivation to do sports has sparked much debate. Some people believe that holding sporting events will help people to live more healthy while many others argue that there are alternatives to encourage people. Personally, I am in favour of the latter view. First of all, there is no denying that people are more likely to be motivated by sports events, especially for the Olympics and the World Cup. The reason is that competitive sports often show various spirits physically, mentally and intellectually, which encourage people’s enthusiasm and motivate them to work out. Moreover, during the sports events, there are plenty of advertisements related to sports and healthy lifestyle, and the majority of people will get more influenced through these commercials and start exercising. However, most of the competitions held by country require professional skills, such as fencing and shot, which will dampen ordinary people’s enthusiasm. Therefore, I firmly believe that there are multiple methods to arouse the locals’ enthusiasm and initiative to sports. Take the government as an example, it is imperative for the authorities to create sports infrastructures in the community, such as a playground, an outdoor basketball court, and even a swimming pool, and open them free to the public. Besides, the company can also encourage employees to start biking to work instead of taking the metro with the certain compensation, which will benefit employee’s physical health and also decrease the traffic congestion in a way. In summary, I believe that there are different ways to raise the public sense of living in a healthy lifestyle and I think that the people’s enthusiasm of sports would run high if the country can hold word-class sports events.
In this day and age, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead a sedentary lifestyle which brings about health problems. In the meantime, how to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
motivation to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has sparked much debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that holding sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more healthy while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others argue that there are alternatives to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Personally
, I am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the latter view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there is no denying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to
be motivated
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
,
especially
for the Olympics and the World Cup. The reason is that competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
various spirits
physically
, mentally and
intellectually
, which encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enthusiasm
and motivate them to work out.
Moreover
, during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of advertisements related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and healthy lifestyle, and the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more influenced through these commercials and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
exercising.

However
, most of the competitions held by country require professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as fencing and shot, which will dampen ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enthusiasm
.
Therefore
, I
firmly
believe that there are multiple methods to arouse the locals’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enthusiasm
and initiative to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Take the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as an example, it is imperative for the authorities to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
infrastructures in the community, such as a playground, an outdoor basketball court, and even a swimming pool, and open them free to the public.
Besides
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can
also
encourage employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
biking to work
instead
of taking the metro with the certain compensation, which will benefit employee’s physical health and
also
decrease the traffic congestion in a way.

In summary, I believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways to raise the public sense of living in a healthy lifestyle and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enthusiasm
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
would run high if the country can hold word-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Technological Advance Computers are replacing more and more jobs. describe some positions that may be lost because of computer and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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