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Many people believe that music is just a form of entertainment, whilst others believe that music has a much larger impact on society today. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Many people believe that music is just a form of entertainment, whilst others believe that music has a much larger impact on society today. v. 1
There are those who claim that music is solely for entertainment purposes while others feel it has larger societal implications. In my opinion, ostensibly most people listen to music for fun, however it still opens up pathways for fringe elements of society to become mainstream. Those that argue for the narrower view of music can easily highlight the ways in which music is consumed today. People listen to music at parties, nightclubs, and weddings to dance and enjoy themselves. They listen using streaming services like YouTube, Apple Music and Spotify to relax throughout the average day. The end result of all that listening is not that individuals think deeply about the lyrics or in any way question their actions, attitudes, or prejudices. Moreso than narrative forms of entertainment like movies and books, music is almost purely for entertainment and rarely rises above the level of subconscious enjoyment. While there is some truth to the argument above, music turns a positive spotlight on previously underrepresented demographic groups. People do not simply listen to music; they are also apt to follow and admire their favourite artists. One of the best examples of this is the championing of LGBT lifestyles. Elton John was an early example of an artist whose sexuality was fluid at a time when many viewed this behaviour as deviant. He did not come out as gay until much later but his influence on aspiring artists and the average listener was immense. Today, there are many artists who are openly gay and this not only reduces bigotry in general by undermining its logic but also inspires others to come out. A person listening to and following artists in any genre today accepts these once alternative lifestyles as the norm. In conclusion, music has an important role to play in society by giving voice to previously silent groups. In the same way that music broke down racial barriers in the 20th century, the 21st century will be the century of inclusion.
There are those who claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
solely
for entertainment purposes while others feel it has larger societal implications. In my opinion,
ostensibly
most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for fun,
however
it
still
opens up pathways for fringe elements of society to become mainstream.

Those that argue for the narrower view of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
easily
highlight the ways in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is consumed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
at parties, nightclubs, and weddings to dance and enjoy themselves. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
using streaming services like YouTube, Apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
and Spotify to relax throughout the average day. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
result of all that listening is not that individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
deeply
about the lyrics or in any way question their actions, attitudes, or prejudices.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Moreso
than narrative forms of entertainment like movies and books,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is almost
purely
for entertainment and rarely rises above the level of subconscious enjoyment.

While there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
truth to the argument above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
turns a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
spotlight on previously underrepresented demographic groups.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
do not
simply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
; they are
also
apt to follow and admire their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
. One of the best examples of this is the championing of LGBT lifestyles. Elton John was an early example of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
whose sexuality was fluid at a time when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
viewed this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
as deviant. He did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out as gay until much later
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
his influence on aspiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and the average listener was immense.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
who are
openly
gay and this not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
bigotry
in general
by undermining its logic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
inspires others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out. A person listening to and following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
in any genre
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
accepts
Did you mean "this once" or "these onces"?
these once
alternative lifestyles as the norm.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to play in society by giving voice to previously silent groups.
In the same way
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
broke down racial barriers in the 20th century, the 21st century will be the century of inclusion.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Many people believe that music is just a form of entertainment, whilst others believe that music has a much larger impact on society today. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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