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All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born. What is your opinion? v.1

All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born. What is your opinion? v. 1
In the salad days of the millennium the society is polarized into two groups almost equally regarding the notion that paternity leave from workplace plays a vital role during childbirth. Some companies allow fathers to take a few day week off from work after the birth of their child. The following paragraph would shed light on this approach before making final judgement. To commence with first notion, there are numerous things to be shared in its favour. First and foremost, during childbirth process mother is suffering from lots of pain and tension. In this crucial situation she needs someone who encourage and support her in possible ways. As a result, she can easily manage with her pain and feelings. Secondly, if husband is working at the office after the final call of delivery of his wife. So, he is going to experience a great deal of stress and tension. All in one, his concentration on his work will reduce and also affecting the quality of work too. Shifting towards the second school of thought, paternity leave allows father to spend quality time with his wife and newborn child. As a result, work life cycle is balanced without compromising a quality of life. Also, after the delivery of child mother fell sick and unhealthy. So, if the husband is around her for taking care, which enables a mother for recovery of health as well as proper nutrition are also essential to the newborn child. To recapitulate, all fathers should be entitled to week off from their workplaces when the new family member came across our life. Because all mothers required crucial support of them in an important period of life.
In the salad days of the millennium the society
is polarized
into two groups almost
equally
regarding the notion that paternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
from workplace plays a vital role during childbirth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
fathers to take a few day week off from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the birth of their child. The following paragraph would shed light on this approach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making final judgement.

To commence with
first
notion, there are numerous things to
be shared
in its
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
.
First
and foremost, during childbirth process
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
is suffering from lots of pain and tension. In this crucial situation she needs someone who encourage and support her in possible ways.
As a result
, she can
easily
manage with her pain and feelings.
Secondly
, if husband is working at the office after the final call of delivery of his wife.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, he is going to experience a great deal of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and tension. All in one, his concentration on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
and
also
affecting the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
too.

Shifting towards the second school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, paternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
father to spend quality time with his wife and newborn child.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
cycle
is balanced
without compromising a quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Also
, after the delivery of child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
fell sick and unhealthy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the husband is around her for taking care, which enables a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
for recovery of health
as well
as proper nutrition are
also
essential to the newborn child.

To recapitulate, all fathers should
be entitled
to week off from their workplaces when the new family member came across our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
all mothers required crucial support of them in an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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