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Many people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree v.1

Many people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. 1
In our polarised society, many opine that the true reason for happiness is money whereas, others accord that there are other non-materialistic factors such as mental satisfaction and social relationships which will bring happiness. This essay will outline relative agreement that money is important to be happy. Nevertheless, physical and mental health along with strong bonded relationships are equally necessary. To begin with, everything comes with a price in this modern world and happiness is not an exemption. This is because a person has to carter his needs and desires which ultimately makes him happy. One has to pay the price for basic survival: water is also not free in today's world. This situation calls for the want of money which cannot be neglected by any class of people. For instance, lower class will need money for survival, which will make them happy while upper class will require funds to fulfil their luxury needs for happiness. Invariably, a significant contribution is made by money towards raising the bar of happiness in everyone's daily life. Concurrently, the contribution made by other non-monetary variables cannot be overlooked. This sphere will include health and social well-being of an individual. A person needs to take good care of his physic as well as mental stability to be fit inside out. Also, being a social animal, man has to nurture his relations at home or work to address his social needs which will ultimately make him happy. To quote an instance, a recent study at Harvard University stated that the majority of the millionaires with disturbed family life ends up into a phase of severe depression. Ergo, one has to balance health and social life to support and extend the bar of happiness that would have been uplifted by money. In a nutshell, happiness is a subjective matter which varies for every human. The art, however, is to understand personal needs and strive towards achieving it which will not only boost the level of satisfaction and confidence but, also be accompanied by lifelong joy.
In our
Possible spelling mistake. 'polarised' is British English.
polarised
society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opine that the true reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
whereas, others accord that there are other non-materialistic factors such as mental satisfaction and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships which will bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This essay will outline relative agreement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Nevertheless
, physical and mental health along with strong bonded relationships are
equally
necessary.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a price in this modern world and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is not an exemption. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
carter his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
and desires which
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
him
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay the price for basic survival: water is
also
not free in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world. This situation calls for the want of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which cannot
be neglected
by any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for survival, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
while upper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
will require funds to fulfil their luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Invariably
, a significant contribution
is made
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
towards raising the bar of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in everyone's daily life.

Concurrently
, the contribution made by other non-monetary variables cannot
be overlooked
. This sphere will include health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
well-being of an individual. A person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of his physic
as well
as mental stability to
be fit
inside out.
Also
, being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
animal,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
nurture his relations at home or work to address his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
which will
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. To quote an instance, a recent study at Harvard University stated that the majority of the millionaires with disturbed family life ends up into a phase of severe depression. Ergo, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
balance health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
life to support and extend the bar of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
that would have
been uplifted
by money.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a subjective matter which varies for every human. The art,
however
, is to understand personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
and strive towards achieving it which will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
boost the level of satisfaction and confidence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
also
be accompanied
by lifelong joy.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Many people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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