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Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? v.2

Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? v. 2
In today’s world, mobile phones play a vital role in our personal and professional lives for people from all age groups. Certainly, it would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks in our daily life. Despite this, mobile phones possess a threat to our health and productivity of life. Nowadays, everyone has accessibility to mobile phones. Even children use it for multi-tasking functions like internet browsing, playing games etc. In spite of having many uses, it also possesses many disadvantages. Researchers have discovered that mobile phones cause many health problems and can make the loss of memory. Consequently, it affects our productivity of work and is responsible for many health hazards caused due to it. It creates many psychological disorders in people. As a result of this disorder, a low-performance level is observed among working class people in business organisations. We all know that mobile phones reduce our efficiency and performance of life. But, still, they cannot be abandoned from our lives. Professionals use mobile phones for work in their daily life. Many people argue that they need mobile phones in case of an emergency. For example, patients having any chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiac arrests. People who are in a difficult situation in remote areas need mobile phones for quick communications. However, use of mobile phones should be restricted to adults like working professionals. Children should not be allowed the accessibility to have a mobile phone. In summary, it would be unconvincing to impose restrictions on usage of mobile phones. I believe the mobile phone has become a part of our daily life. Although it has negative impacts on our health and productivity, it outweighs the advantages it serves to mankind and society.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
play a vital role in our personal and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all age groups.
Certainly
, it would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks in our daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Despite this, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
possess a threat to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and productivity of life.

Nowadays, everyone has accessibility to mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. Even children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for multi-tasking functions like internet browsing, playing games etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
, it
also
possesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages. Researchers have discovered that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the loss of memory.
Consequently
, it affects our productivity of work and is responsible for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
hazards caused due to it. It creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychological disorders in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
of this disorder, a low-performance level
is observed
among working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in business
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
.

We all know that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
our efficiency and performance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
still
, they cannot
be abandoned
from our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Professionals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for work in their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that they need mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in case of an emergency.
For example
, patients having any chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiac arrests.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who are in a difficult situation in remote areas need mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for quick communications.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should
be restricted
to adults like working professionals. Children should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
the accessibility to have a mobile phone.

In summary, it would be unconvincing to impose restrictions on usage of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. I believe the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has become a part of our daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Although it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and productivity, it outweighs the advantages it serves to mankind and society.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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