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Many people believe that it is important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyse each view point and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position. v.2

Many people believe that it is important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyse each view point and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position. v. 2
The truth is our world have nothing to do with fairness, except for one thing which we all have in common and that is the life time. Although some of us decide to spend it on earning huge money, others rather make fair amount of it and try to enjoy their life more. Both of this point of views could be seen in different angles, but, as far as I’m concerned, a comfortable life over weights a full bank account. To begin with, money has always been equal to power, and as a result of various technological progresses, which needs money to be caught, this fact is even more obvious in modern times. In this situation, people are really motivated to make as much money as they can, thus willingly spend their life in long working days, in hope to earn more money and build a better circumstances for them-selves. However, the dark side of this ultimate goal is that these kinds of people forget about their personal life sooner or later and become all about making money, so one day they might realize the bitter truth that the life is over and they have missed lots of it. On the other hand, for a group of people the life is exactly the moment which we are in it and we can decide to live it or waste it in order to make plans for the vague and unpredictable future. Actually, the point is, happiness and comfort in life is more a psychological concept than a measurable objective term. Therefore, it is vital to build a mindset that doesn’t attach our happiness to the money. This is why some people can have a better life even if they are not living in fancy houses nor driving luxury cars, they could feel the joy just when they have a chance to see how their children grow up. All in all, money can serve people as a source of power but when we care too much about it we will turn to the money’s servant. Despite the fact that no one can deny the importance role of money in people life, there is still lots of other staff that would make us pleased without any need to have large amount of money.
The truth is our world have nothing to do with fairness,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
one thing which we all have in common and
that is
the
Did you mean "lifetime"?
life time
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us decide to spend it on earning huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, others
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
amount of it and try to enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
more. Both of this point of views could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
angles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, as far as I’m concerned, a comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
over weights a full bank account.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has always been equal to power, and
as a result
of various technological progresses, which needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
be caught
, this fact is even more obvious in modern times. In this situation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
really
motivated to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as they can,
thus
willingly
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in long working days, in hope to earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and build a better circumstances for them-selves.
However
, the dark side of this ultimate goal is that these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forget about their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
sooner or later and become all about making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
one day they might realize the bitter truth that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
over and
they have missed lots of it.

On the other hand
, for a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is exactly the moment which we are in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
we can decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
it or waste it in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
plans for the vague and unpredictable future. Actually, the point is, happiness and comfort in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
Did you mean "a more psychological"?
more a psychological
concept than a measurable objective term.
Therefore
, it is vital to build a mindset that doesn’t attach our happiness to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
even if they are not living in fancy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
nor driving luxury cars, they could feel the joy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
when they have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how their children grow up.

All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can serve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as a source of power
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when we care too much about
Consider adding a comma here.
it
we will turn to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money’s
servant. Despite the fact that no one can deny the importance role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, there is
still
lots of other staff that would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleased
without any need to have large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Many people believe that it is important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyse each view point and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
380 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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