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Some people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand v.1

Some people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand v. 1
These days, several females are doing full -time tasks like a male. In my opinion, this change is pivotal for the development of a country. On the one hand, the women who work 8 hours a day in an office as similar to the male are financially capable to handle their home alone. They do not need to depend on anyone to fulfil their basic necessities because they can earn money for their own expenses. For instance, single parents face numerous issues, especially related to their juveniles health and education. So, earning of revenue by doing work like men in any field can help to earn more remuneration, and allows to afford good education and quality of living to their kids. In addition, it can make them self reliance and provide various real life work experience from outside of the home. Similarly, when they expose outside area, they get a chance to meet a plethora of people having different lifestyles, cultures, values and regions. It makes them able to solve any taxing situations in life. Furthermore, it uplifts women's respect in the community. Although some people have conservative thinking like female are only born to do household chores, do not acquire enough knowledge, not able to compete with men, now the women who shows passions and dedication, somehow modify such concepts. Moreover, families encourage them to perform some sorts of endeavours. Besides that, there are some jobs whose provide an opportunity to go to abroad for attending meetings and conferences. Hence, it assists them to explore the world by visiting new places, people. It also allows to make new kiths. In conclusion, working full-time jobs in some fields can benefit women a lot. It not only make them self dependence, but also make them problem solvers and dedicated.
These days, several females are doing full -time tasks like a male. In my opinion, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is pivotal for the development of a country.

On the one hand, the women who work 8 hours a day in an office as similar to the male are
financially
capable to handle their home alone. They do not need to depend on anyone to fulfil their
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can earn money for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expenses.
For instance
, single parents face numerous issues,
especially
related to their juveniles health and education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, earning of revenue by doing work like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in any field can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to earn more remuneration, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
Did you mean "affording"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to afford
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education and quality of living to their kids.
In addition
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self reliance
and provide various real life work experience from
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the home.
Similarly
, when they expose outside area, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
a plethora of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
lifestyles, cultures, values and regions. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them able to solve any taxing situations in life.

Furthermore
, it uplifts women's respect in the community. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have conservative thinking like female are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
born to do household chores, do not acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge, not able to compete with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the women who
Did you mean "show"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'women' should be used.
shows
passions and dedication, somehow modify such concepts.
Moreover
, families encourage them to perform
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sorts of
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
.
Besides
that, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs whose provide an opportunity to
There isn't usually a preposition before "abroad". Did you mean "go abroad"?
go to abroad
for attending meetings and conferences.
Hence
, it assists them to explore the world by visiting new places,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new
Possible spelling mistake found.
kiths
.

In conclusion
, working full-time jobs in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields can benefit women a lot. It not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them self dependence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them problem solvers and dedicated.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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