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Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors Discuss both views and include your own opinion v.4

Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors 4
One of the highly controversial issues today relates to whether happiness depends on oneself or other external elements. In this essay, I will examine this question from both points of view and then explain why I agree with the former opinion. On one side of the argument, there are people who argue that happiness depends on oneself. This is because what is happiness for an individual is different from person to person. It depends on people whether they feel happy when the same event happen to them. Therefore, some can find happiness in their work, while it may bring about only agony to others. It is also possible to say that people can obtain true happiness by making great efforts. One good illustration of this is a family relationship. People often struggle to understand their partners, raise their children, and solve family problems. Such efforts can make them happy in the end. On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposing case. It is often argued that external factors have a significant influence on individuals’ happiness. People often have this opinion because emotion can be affected by external stimulation. For example, a person, who has lived a happy life so far, can be unhappy suddenly due to the death of a family member. It is often extremely challenging to control this change of emotional status on their own. Support from others can relieve sadness and make them happy again. In conclusion, I believe that both arguments are convincing. On balance, however, I tend to believe that individuals have responsibility for their own happiness because it is different among people and can be achieved by their own efforts, not coming from outside.
One of the
highly
controversial issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
relates to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on oneself or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
external elements. In this essay, I will examine this question from both points of view and then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former opinion.

On one side of the argument, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on oneself. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
what is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for an individual is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from person to person. It depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whether they feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
when the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
happen to them.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
can find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their work, while it may bring about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
agony to others. It is
also
possible to say that
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people
can obtain true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
by making great efforts. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is a family relationship.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
struggle to understand their partners, raise their children, and solve family problems. Such efforts can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

On the
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other
hand, it is
also
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the opposing case. It is
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often
argued that external factors have a significant influence on individuals’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
have this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
emotion can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by external stimulation.
For example
, a person, who has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a
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happy
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far, can be unhappy
suddenly
due to the death of a family member. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
extremely
challenging to control this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of emotional status on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Support from others can relieve sadness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
again.

In conclusion
, I believe that both arguments are convincing. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that individuals have responsibility for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and can
be achieved
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
efforts, not coming from outside.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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