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Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. Discuss both views and include your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and examples from your experience. v.3

Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. v. 3
Happiness is a state of mind that many masses can easily get but for many others it would be different. Some people opine that a person is responsible for their own happiness while another thinks that the external factors creates happiness. However, I believe that the internal as well as external factors are responsible for happiness. In this essay, I intend to delve some reasons for it. To initiate with, every person has their own view to see things, ideas and perception. In the holy book of Hindus, The Bhagwagita also had explained through "Tunde Tunde Mani Bhinnaha! " Mean that every person have different mind. A good person is who adopt changes easily and move on from the past. For example, in my neighbourhood, the one family has been living since 2000 but the breadwinner of his family died due to diseases. The old person who had already retired 2 years ago, now understood that he needed to go to work to feed the family. They adopted Change. On opposite view, the external factors like as finance, health, environment and so on also affect a lot. Many families do not have enough money to survive and provide basic necessities although they goes for work. Some masses have health problem and suffer from decease. The recent Corona epidemic is a good example. At that time, so many families lost their family members, friends, brothers, sisters and also children, but at last all come up and deed new start of life. The environmental factor is Paramount become from it within a second life has been changed. For example, in the earthquake of 2011, homes and properties were lost by everyone. It took nearly one or two minutes to destroy the all money which was earned whole life. Everywhere only seen is knocked houses and dead bodies. To sum up, it has been said that with time passes, every wound of the body will recover but the condition is solely positive attitude.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is a state of mind that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
masses can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
while another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that the external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
creates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
However
, I believe that the internal
as well
as external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. In this essay, I intend to delve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons for it.

To initiate with, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
things,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and perception. In the holy book of Hindus, The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bhagwagita
also
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
through
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible typo: you repeated a word
Tunde Tunde
Mani
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bhinnaha
!
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Mean that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
mind. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is who adopt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
easily
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
on from the past.
For example
, in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
, the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has been living since 2000
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the breadwinner of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
due to diseases. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who had already retired 2 years ago,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
understood that he needed to go to work to feed the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. They adopted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Change
.

On opposite view, the external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like as finance, health, environment and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on
also
affect a lot.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to survive and provide
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
although they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "go"
goes
for work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
masses have health problem and suffer from decease. The recent Corona epidemic is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example. At that time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, friends, brothers, sisters and
also
children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at last all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up and deed new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of life. The environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is Paramount become from it within a second life has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
For example
, in the earthquake of 2011, homes and properties
were lost
by everyone. It took
nearly
one or two minutes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the all money which
was earned
whole life. Everywhere
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
is knocked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and dead bodies.

To sum up, it has
been said
that with time passes, every wound of the body will recover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the condition is
solely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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