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Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors Discuss both views and include your own opinion v.2

Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors 2
People watch movies for self entertainment and relaxation. In today's world every individual owns a gadget with them, which is capable of playing videos. Some people who do not go to the theatre because of it, in contrast, some find pleasure of watching it on big screen. There are certain pros and cons of the aforementioned, which will be explored in this essay. To begin with, flexibility, cost efficiency, which encourages to view movies on gadgets. For instance, while travelling a viewer tend to spend their time by watching films on it. Moreover, they get flexibility of play/pause of video as and when required. Additionally, the cost of watching it on devices is affordable, furthermore, they can share with their family and friends. They can even watch together at the same time. Due to the ease of transferring files with other gadgets, this gives rise in piracy. Secondly, the overall expenses, inflexibility, and time consuming are the issues which a person has to go through which going to watch movie in a cinema hall. For instance, they have to leave early from their place to reach the theatre to complete the procedure for entering the room. Therefore, they spend most of their hour in travelling before watching a motion picture. Furthermore, there are other expenses incurred when they go to there, such as buying popcorns, coffee and other food items. In conclusion, the flexibility, cost efficiency, which is provided by watching films on a phone or gadgets are better than watching a movie in theatre The problem like piracy can be handled by blocking the website from where the videos are downloaded. So, as per my opinion, there is no need to visit the cinema hall to enjoy a movie.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
for self entertainment and relaxation. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world every individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadget
with them, which is capable of playing videos.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who do not go to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it,
in contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
find pleasure of watching it on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
screen. There are certain pros and cons of the aforementioned, which will
be explored
in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, flexibility, cost efficiency, which encourages
Did you mean "viewing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
.
For instance
, while travelling a viewer tend to spend their time by watching films on it.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
flexibility of play/pause of video as and when required.
Additionally
, the cost of watching it on devices is affordable,
furthermore
, they can share with their family and friends. They can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
together at the same time. Due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of transferring files with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
, this gives rise in piracy.

Secondly
, the
overall
expenses, inflexibility, and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
are the issues which a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
go through which going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
in a cinema hall.
For instance
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
early from their place to reach the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
to complete the procedure for entering the room.
Therefore
, they spend most of their hour in travelling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
watching a motion picture.
Furthermore
, there are other expenses incurred when they
There isn't usually a preposition before "there". Did you mean "go there"?
go to there
, such as buying
Possible spelling mistake found.
popcorns
, coffee and other food items.

In conclusion
, the flexibility, cost efficiency, which
is provided
by watching films on a phone or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gadgets
are better than watching a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
The problem like piracy can
be handled
by blocking the website from where the videos
are downloaded
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, as per my opinion, there is no need to visit the cinema hall to enjoy a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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