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Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance Others believe that this is improving our lives Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance Others believe that this is improving our lives 1
There is an increase in the percentage of people being at high risk of grave health issues due to being overweight. Evidently, this subject has been getting more and more serious in the recent years. Although there are multiple factors responsible for this, the main causative factor is the change in eating habits. Undoubtedly, diet plays a major role in our physical and mental well being. There is a rise in the consumption of fast food. The food industry has been growing massively, thus increasing people’s options and making their lives easier. Individuals prefer to order-in or dine-in rather than cooking healthy meals for themselves and their families. Adding to that, the so-called healthy treats available in the markets are packed with sugars and preservatives. As technology has progressed, even though it has made our lives much easier, it has also taught people to be more lethargic. With everything being available online, citizens do not want to get out of the comfort of their homes. Therefore, worsening their fitness problems and making them additionally obese. For instance, grocery shopping was a basic, everyday activity that made sure people left their homes and moved their bodies a little, but online pantries have put a stop to that. However, this critical affair can be solved if the governments of different nations recognized this issue and took the necessary steps. First of all, people should be made aware of this matter. Informing them about the dire consequences of being overweight and moreover about the hazardous effects fast food has on their bodies should be done on a large scale. Secondly, making sure that citizens are exercising on a regular basis is crucial. This can be achieved by adding a few minutes of exercise in their work place itself and exercise classes should be non-optional for children. Furthermore, introducing open gyms in parks would reduce the financial barrier that people face due to the high cost of gyms and workout classes. To sum up, health issues due to being overweight are the new cancer of the modern- day society. It is of uttermost importance to make sure that citizens are well informed of this ever-increasing concern; for prevention is better than cure.
There is an increase in the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
being at high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of grave health issues due to being overweight.
Evidently
, this subject has been getting more and more serious in the recent years. Although there are multiple factors responsible for this, the main causative factor is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in eating habits.

Undoubtedly
, diet plays a major role in our physical and mental
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
. There is a rise in the consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food. The food industry has been growing
massively
,
thus
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
options and making their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easier. Individuals prefer to order-in or dine-in
rather
than cooking healthy meals for themselves and their families. Adding to that, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called healthy treats available in the markets
are packed
with sugars and preservatives. As technology has progressed,
even though
it has made our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
much easier, it has
also
taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more lethargic. With everything being available online, citizens do not want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of the comfort of their homes.
Therefore
, worsening their fitness problems and making them
additionally
obese.
For instance
, grocery shopping was a basic, everyday activity that made sure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their homes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
their bodies a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
online pantries have put a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
to that.

However
, this critical affair can
be solved
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations recognized this issue and took the necessary steps.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be made
aware of this matter. Informing them about the dire consequences of being overweight and
moreover
about the hazardous effects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food has on their bodies should
be done
on a large scale.
Secondly
, making sure that citizens are exercising on a regular basis is crucial. This can
be achieved
by adding a few minutes of exercise in their work place itself and exercise classes should be non-optional for children.
Furthermore
, introducing open gyms in parks would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the financial barrier that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face due to the high cost of gyms and workout classes.

To sum up, health issues due to being overweight are the new cancer of the modern- day society. It is of uttermost importance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that citizens are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well informed
of this ever-increasing concern; for prevention is better than cure.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance Others believe that this is improving our lives 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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