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Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness. Discuss both views. v.1

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness. v. 1
Whether or not being wealthy is significant in the attainment of a happy living has become a controversial issue. While some individuals believe that money helps in achieving a life full of joy, there are some, for whom, it does not matter. This essay intends to delve into both sides of the argument in depth. First of all, a vast majority of people argue that if a person has plenty of wealth, then he can achieve happiness to a substantial extent. The major reason for their distinct opinion is so because almost everything can be bought with the help of plenty of cents. Being wealthy is always an asset for most of the part of the population existing in the society. For instance, those, who are living, below the poverty line, are not able to live a healthy and prosperous life and are living in the scarcity of certain essential resources, which in turn, leads to their dissatisfaction. Hence, they are right in their perspective of having a pleasant feeling. In contrast, those who oppose the above statement claims that even wealth cannot bring a sense of fulfilment. It is interesting to note that there are several live examples of extremely rich persons, who are not satisfied with their living despite of being rich. For instance, one of the famous actors, Rajesh Khanna, he was a legend for almost all the masses and was blessed with lots of money but he spent most of his time in solitude. Eventually, being wealthy does not mean joyful living. Therefore, those who are in favour of the above perspective are somewhat true to their statement. To conclude, it is irrefutable that society is divided on the given topic and a vast majority of them agree that wealth adds joy to their life, whereas others completely neglected and opt for an alternative point of view. It was all discussed in the above paragraphs along with relevant examples.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
being wealthy is significant in the attainment of a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
has become a controversial issue. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in achieving a life full of joy, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, for whom, it does not matter. This essay intends to delve into both sides of the argument in depth.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that if a person has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of wealth, then he can achieve happiness to a substantial extent. The major reason for their distinct opinion is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
almost everything can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of cents. Being wealthy is always an asset for most of the part of the population existing in the society.
For instance
, those,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
, below the poverty line, are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy and prosperous life and are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the scarcity of certain essential resources, which in turn, leads to their dissatisfaction.
Hence
, they are right in their perspective of having a pleasant feeling.

In contrast
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
oppose the above statement claims that even wealth cannot bring a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
. It is interesting to note that there are several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
examples of
extremely
rich persons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not satisfied with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
being rich.
For instance
, one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actors, Rajesh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Khanna
, he was a legend for almost all the masses and
was blessed
with lots of money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he spent most of his time in solitude.
Eventually
, being wealthy does not mean joyful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
.
Therefore
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the above perspective are somewhat true to their statement.

To conclude
, it is irrefutable that society
is divided
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
topic and a vast majority of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that wealth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
joy to their life, whereas others completely neglected and opt for an alternative point of view. It was all discussed in the above paragraphs along with relevant examples.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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