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Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. v.3

Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. v. 3
We live in a world that is surrounded by sorrows, suffering, grief and happiness. We often try to make our souls happy through spiritual deeds and materialistic things. Few individuals of a society believe that money is vital in bringing happiness to life; other thinks that money is not associated with monetary funds. I personally believe that not all, but money does play some role in bringing happiness. One the one hand, people commit their lives in earning a huge sum of money because they consider money and happiness go hand in hand and for them, life without money will be miserable and one cannot enjoy to the fullest extent. For instance, people who find happiness in travelling different places, wearing branded clothes, purchasing expensive and latest gadgets or having expensive dining would not be able to enjoy those without money. Another example is of parents, whose child is severely sick and needs expensive medication or treatment abroad, with wealth, parents can buy happiness for their child. For them, merriment and capital funds are closely related to each other and one cannot image to live without it. On the other hand, there are several plausible arguments which say that money has not relation with cheeriness. People believe that money cannot remove their sorrows and sufferings. For instance, a mother who has lost her child in war, money is of no value because her grievance and tears cannot be wiped through financial aid and to make her glee. Soothing words and sympathy can calm her down and bring some elation. To conclude, the above provide solid arguments in favour of both views. I personally believe that money give lots of benefit to people in terms of their status and lifestyle but one should not equate money as the vital factor in bringing happiness.
We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a world that
is surrounded
by sorrows, suffering, grief and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. We
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our souls happy through spiritual deeds and materialistic things. Few individuals of a society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is vital in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
to life; other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not associated with monetary funds. I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that not all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
does play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
role in bringing happiness.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
commit their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in earning a huge sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
and for them, life without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will be miserable and one cannot enjoy to the fullest extent.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in travelling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places, wearing branded clothes, purchasing expensive and latest gadgets or having expensive dining would not be able to enjoy those without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Another example is of parents, whose child is
severely
sick and needs expensive medication or treatment abroad, with wealth, parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for their child. For them, merriment and capital funds are
closely
related to each other and one cannot image to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without it.

On the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
, there are several plausible arguments which say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has not relation with cheeriness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot remove their sorrows and sufferings.
For instance
, a mother who has lost her child in war,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is of no value
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
her grievance and tears cannot
be wiped
through financial aid and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
her glee. Soothing words and sympathy can calm her down and bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
elation.

To conclude
, the above provide solid arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of both views. I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
give lots of benefit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of their status and lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
one should not equate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as the vital factor in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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