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Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion. v.1

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. and give your opinion. v. 1
It is often said that if you want to be happy in life, have to earn a myriad of fund. Hence, there are certain folks who claim that without money no one could live their life free of tension that considered as being happy. Whereas, the rest of the individuals think that wealth does not have to do with happiness. Firstly, this essay will discuss why people think that money is the must for a happy life and secondly, why others think that it is ok to not to have money. Nonetheless, In my opinion, we do need money to survive, but for the happiness, it depends on the person's thinking or beliefs that how he or she looks at the things. On the one hand, with money individual is able to get almost all the needed materials in life such as an excellent quality house, latest car and so on. For some people, if you have this you considered as a happy person. For instance, according to the INDIA's wealthy people, 70% of the people desire to have money to fulfil their daily requirements as without wealth they could not get. On the other hand, with money, one is unable to get a loving family, because real family is the one who support you during all the ups and downs together and never leaves you alone. This is can not achieve by just having money. For example, according to the psychology department of the UK research, 60% of the people considered as happy who has the caring and supportive parents and family members like siblings, grandparents. In conclusion, money However provides an opportunity to obtain a luxurious and high quality life, but happiness comes when individuals feel satisfied with what they have. Owning to the fact that no money able to get you stress free life that only comes with a mature understanding of life.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that if you want to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn a myriad of fund.
Hence
, there are certain folks who claim that without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
no one could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
free of tension that considered as being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the rest of the individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that wealth does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do with happiness.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
secondly
, why others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is ok
One 'to' seems to be obsolete.
to not to
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Nonetheless, In my opinion, we do need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to survive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the happiness, it depends on the person's thinking or beliefs that how he or she looks at the things.

On the one hand, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
individual is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
almost all the needed materials in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
such as an excellent quality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
car and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, if you have this you considered as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
person.
For instance
, according to the INDIA's wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, 70% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
desire to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to fulfil their daily requirements as without wealth they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.

On the other hand
, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, one is unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a loving family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
real family is the one who support you during all the ups and downs together and never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
you alone. This is
Consider using a past participle here: "canned".
can
not achieve by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, according to the psychology department of the UK research, 60% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
considered as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
who has the caring and supportive parents and family members like siblings, grandparents.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
However
provides an opportunity to obtain a luxurious and high quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
when individuals feel satisfied with what they have. Owning to the fact that no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a mature understanding of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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