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Many people are using the Internet more than in the past. Do the advantages of the Internet outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Many people are using the Internet more than in the past. Do the advantages of the Internet outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Today, the internet is being used more than ever before. Although the internet creates an easy access to more information and a range of entertainment options, I still think the drawbacks of this trend outweigh the benefits. Most people are using the internet as a source of information and entertainment. The advent of the internet meant that even people living in the developing parts of the world can have an access to high-quality education offered by the world’s top universities. This unprecedented opportunity has only been possible thanks to the internet. Furthermore, for many young people, the internet offers a lot of entertainment options. They can surf the web, stream movies or songs, and play games online. If it were not for the internet, a lot of young people nowadays would not be enjoying these activities. I, however, think that using the internet too much can result in people having less verbal communication. Many people use social media to communicate, which means they now have less face-to-face interaction with friends and family. However, this could have a negative impact on their relationship as online interaction cannot provide genuine communication as in-person interaction. Additionally, too many people are finding it difficult to reduce the amount of time they spend on the internet. The internet is so addictive that they cannot stay without using it. This habit of using the internet constantly is negatively affecting their concentration, relationships and studies, failing to curb their use of the internet. In conclusion, despite being a rich source of knowledge, the internet could lead people to being less social. I, therefore, think that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the advantages.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, the internet is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Although the internet creates
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "easy access".
an easy access
to more information and a range of entertainment options, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the drawbacks of this trend outweigh the benefits.

Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are using the internet as a source of information and entertainment. The advent of the internet meant that even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the developing parts of the world can have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "access".
an access
to high-quality education offered by the world’s top universities. This unprecedented opportunity has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
been possible thanks to the internet.
Furthermore
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the internet offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
entertainment options. They can surf the web, stream movies or songs, and play games online. If it were not for the internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays would not be enjoying these activities.

I,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that using the internet too much can result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having less verbal communication.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
social media to communicate, which means they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have less face-to-face interaction with friends and family.
However
, this could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their relationship as online interaction cannot provide genuine communication as in-person interaction.
Additionally
, too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are finding it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of time they spend on the internet. The internet is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
addictive that they cannot stay without using it. This habit of using the internet
constantly
is
negatively
affecting their concentration, relationships and studies, failing to curb their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the internet.

In conclusion
, despite being a rich source of knowledge, the internet could lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to being less social. I,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the advantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Many people are using the Internet more than in the past. Do the advantages of the Internet outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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