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Many people are choosing to move to cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Many people are choosing to move to cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
In this era of globalization, the world has witnessed a paradigm shift in migrating and these days more rural inhabitants are becoming city dwellers. However, despite the good employment opportunities and standard of living, I do not believe that the benefits we again by moving to cities outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, there are obvious benefits of moving to urban areas. I concede that moving to a metro provides better employment opportunities. Most of the large-scale industries are in cities. As a result, they are able to provide jobs to hundreds of individuals at the same time as compared to in industries in villages. Another major upside is the better standard of living. Most municipalities have better health services compared to the ones available in villages. For instance, the latest medical devices and medicines are implemented in cities. As a result, the mortality rate in cities is far less compared to rural areas. However, despite the obvious benefits of migrating to cities, I believe that there are far more negatives associated with it. Firstly, the pollution level in most cities are extremely high, because of this, many individuals living in cities suffer from respiratory diseases such as Asthma or Bronchitis, and they need to visit hospitals more often. Moreover, given that most rural people usually cultivate their own food, it is perhaps no surprise that they are able to enjoy 100% organic and unadulterated food. As a result, they suffer from less health issues and are able to live longer. In conclusion, although I admit that moving to cities provide better job opportunities and standard of living, the health benefits rural living provides is invaluable. Therefore, I do not agree that the advantages of moving to cities outweigh the disadvantages.
In this era of globalization, the world has witnessed a paradigm shift in migrating and these days more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
inhabitants are becoming city dwellers.
However
, despite the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
employment opportunities and standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
, I do not believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
we again
Did you maybe mean "buy"?
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
outweigh the drawbacks.

On the one hand, there are obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to urban areas. I concede that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to a metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
employment opportunities. Most of the large-scale industries are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
As a result
, they are able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
jobs to hundreds of individuals at the same time as compared to in industries in villages. Another major upside is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
. Most municipalities have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
health services compared to the ones available in villages.
For instance
, the latest medical devices and medicines
are implemented
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
As a result
, the mortality rate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is far less compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
areas.

However
, despite the obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
of migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, I believe that there are far more negatives associated with it.
Firstly
, the pollution level in most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are
extremely
high,
because of this
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
suffer from respiratory diseases such as Asthma or Bronchitis, and they need to visit hospitals more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
cultivate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
food, it is perhaps no surprise that they are able to enjoy 100% organic and unadulterated food.
As a result
, they suffer from less health issues and are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer.

In conclusion
, although I admit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
job opportunities and standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
, the health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
is invaluable.
Therefore
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
outweigh the disadvantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Many people are choosing to move to cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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