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Many parents these days work in other countries, taking their families with them. Do you think advantages of the development outweigh its disadvantages? v.2

Many parents these days work in other countries, taking their families with them. Do you think advantages of the development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 2
It is true that many nuclear families have a tendency to move to the another country to be settled. While I accept that there are some disadvantages, I think that these are outweighed by the advantages of this trend. On the one hand, there are certainly some negative impacts when living in other countries. Firstly, they have to face with many problems such as language, the way of life, and the cultural gap between the two countries. For instance, Thao who is a Vietnamese people, followed her parents to Germany, because of the barrier of language, she was falling behind with her studies. as a result, she was given the bad scores in the important examinations. Secondly, the high standard of living is not an easy purpose of reaching, particularly in the developed countries. The health insurance, transportation fees, and tuitions for children cost them a great deal, so it is hard for overseas people to make ends meet. On the other hand, I believe that there are great benefits to be gained. One reason is that their children could have a brighter future as it granted them countless opportunities to develop in the advanced educational system. The transmission of knowledge in the Western countries are much more practical and efficient compared to others; thus; kids would being the comprehensive development both physical and academic education. In addition, they would be obtained the real experience of the different culture and custom. Take Thailand as an example, if they live there, they will have a chance to watch the shows of transgender models. They can understand the difficulties of these people, so they show much more positive attitudes towards transsexual man and women. In conclusion, the positive effects of many families migrate to different countries has more than compensated for the drawbacks.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nuclear families have a tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to
be settled
. While I accept that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these
are outweighed
by the advantages of this trend.

On the one hand, there are
certainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts when living in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems such as language, the way of life, and the cultural gap between the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thao
who is a Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, followed her parents to Germany,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the barrier of language, she was falling behind with her studies.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
a result, she was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
scores in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
examinations.
Secondly
, the high standard of living is not an easy purpose of reaching,
particularly
in the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. The health insurance, transportation fees, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
tuitions
for children cost them a great deal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for overseas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.

On the other hand
, I believe that there are great benefits to
be gained
. One reason is that their children could have a brighter future as it granted them countless opportunities to develop in the advanced educational system. The transmission of knowledge in the Western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are much more practical and efficient compared to others;
thus
; kids would being the comprehensive development both physical and academic education.
In addition
, they would
be obtained
the real experience of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and custom. Take Thailand as an example, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there, they will have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
of transgender models. They can understand the difficulties of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitudes towards transsexual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and women.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families migrate to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
has more than compensated for the drawbacks.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents these days work in other countries, taking their families with them. Do you think advantages of the development outweigh its disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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